Because it's Thursday, that's why.

Obviously, I am a liar. As well as a tease. I have yet to post, as promised, my "appropriate response." I hope I haven't gotten your hopes up that I plan on commencing that now. Because, I'm not. I can only say that I am spending ridiculous amounts of time on that particular post, that it is a work in process. So much time has been spent for 2 reasons: 1) Y'all deserve a well thought out response as a tribute (and a thank you) for your entertaining and at times heart felt assistance in my cry for help 2) I'm finding it very cathartic to contemplate an alternate plan for myself.

But. I wanted to check in.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas . . . looking forward to some holiday blogs. I am convinced that humor happened and expect, as a result, to be entertained with stories of family and friends:) Christmas day passed quietly for me and I was shocked the next morning when I realized that everyone had abruptly stopped playing Christmas songs on the radio. I guess I should have expected it but it caught me very unawares. Still going through mild withdrawal!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the opening of Methodist Mansfield Medical Center. I think I'm the only person that has noted the date. Perhaps it's because every day of the past year is somewhat painfully etched in my memory. Regardless, it seems that the day will pass without fanfare. This is also my last 24 hours on call and tomorrow will be my last day. Expecting (hoping) that day to be sans drama and hoopla as well. Will definitely be saying goodbye to some really good people but know without any doubt that my exit is long overdue. When I think that I actually spent an entire year in this situation I'm a little shellshocked. There's another feeling there as well. Can't quite pinpoint it. It's either pride or an overwhelming sense of stupidity . . . :)

Flying home to Missouri tomorrow evening and am planning on a 2 week stay. I need a little "show me state" and some serious Haller Family time. Not to mention my mom's cooking! Also really looking forward to catching up with friends. In fact, this is an open invitation to anyone within the tristate area to come hang out in Toastyville with me and my dad . . . :)

"Press 7 to delete message."

Again with Mr Carwash? This time it was a voice mail asking for medical advice. Merry Christmas to me. Where do I find these people?

Patience is a virtue.

Ok. After the past 60 hours I've had on call, I'm definitely giving serious thought to the alternate career path idea . . .

Only another 24 hours to go and I promise I'll provide an appropriate response to all y'all's feedback. Oh yeah. And, the prize:)

a little help please

Ok, all. I need your help. If I wasn't a doctor, what would I be?

Not thinking of abandoning the career I've basically spent my whole life preparing for. Not exactly anyway. Just really wondering what else is out there.

So, what could you see me as? What hidden talents might I have? What part of me should I let out to shine?

Just a little experiment I'm working on. Humor me. There may be a prize in it for you:)

Untitled. Because sometimes it's just too hard to be witty.

I slept in this morning, trying to hold onto a dream. It's not the first time I've tried to accomplish this feat, certainly not the first time that I've failed miserably. The dream was lost and perhaps the true memory of it ruined a bit by the effort. My reward? The tiny hint of a headache and several less hours of my Sunday to enjoy.

I decided to move beyond this less than stellar start and hoped that the experts are wrong. Hoped that you can actually stock pile a little extra sleep for an upcoming week that is sure to be a little light on the "z's" . . .

Coffee. Coffee was indubitably what I needed.

A whole pot? Yes, please.

The beans were loaded, the filter in place. 10 cups of lukewarm water were added to the most beautiful coffee maker ever made. Fool proof. I pushed the grind button and prepared myself for the - always a little shocking - sound that would mean my morning was about to be saved. The grinding began and with it a sense of comfort that unfortunately would be short-lived.

I turned from the counter to choose a coffee cup and all hell broke loose.

The mechanism controlling the filter drawer popped open mid-grind. Seriously. Coffee grounds everywhere.

Well, shit.

I pushed the drawer back in an attempt to save what I could. I then allowed my back-stabbing machine to complete it's cycle and poured a cup of the result into a festive red mug. It actually looked a little like the caffeine-infused liquid that I had previously hoped for. Only with a few bonus grounds decorating the surface. I gamely fished out the offensive tag-alongs and added a little milk. Next, a tentative taste.

Not bad. Really. Actually, pretty good.

And, I thought, ok. Morning saved. Now, let's see what the rest of the day has in store.

This is what I need: more fun, less responsibility.

Josh Howard just shot a 47 point game against Utah. And I was there. Eating a hot dog.

Ok 'Boys. Don't let me down.

It has been a football season full of disappointments.

My usual unwavering loyalty for the Chiefs has been strained by one loss after another.

My joy at Mizzou's journey towards number one was crushed by the "top spot" curse (Have fun in New Orleans LSU fans, knowing that the wrong Tigers made it to the big game. BUT, definitely pulling for you against Ohio!).

And, now? I've just layed down way too much money for my NFL playoff tickets, banking on Dallas to come through this year. Tony, it's up to you and the guys to save the season for me. Counting on you!


Ok. So actually, it's not nearly as dramatic as all that. I'm just tired of all the stuff that really matters and have decided instead to focus on something that is 100% outside of my control. May be slightly cowardice . . . But, I think I'm ok with it:)

The end is in site.

My last day at Methodist Mansfield Medical Center is exactly one month from today. Woohoo!

Thinking about having some kind of freedom-themed blowout. You're all invited!:)

P.S. Happy birthday Grandma Marge!

I have a comment.

Some people are such teases. Enable commenting on one blog, take it away on another. Well, Mr-you-know-who-you-are. I have a comment.

Go with the gut. The gut is good.

The only problem with the gut is that, once acknowledged, it tends to leave you a little high and dry until its next intervention. No additional assistance on those pesky little details like: Where should I live? What will I do? Should I sell some of my plasma for a little extra cash?

You see, the gut is all about glory. Just the big should-I-stay-or-should-I-go decisions for the 'ol gut. You follow its lead and then you're hit with an aftermath of more decision making that makes one a little sick to the stomach.

On second thought:

Bad, bad gut.

Kinda on a quote kick . . .

Had Chinese for lunch and my fortune cookie bestowed the following wisdom:

Do not mistake temptation for opportunity.

Great. But, what if none of my actual opportunities are at all tempting? What then?

Speak to me Al!

In the debth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

"One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead."

Came across the above quote by Oscar Wilde this morning. Did OW just tell me I'm not in charge? Or, is he calling me delusional? I'm confused. Although, seems timely and appropriate either way . . . :)

ok, so I'm not perfect

Yea Mavericks.
Boo Methodist Health Systems.
Yea Cowboys.
Boo Methodist Health Systems.
Yea fall weather and Christmas cheer.
Boo Methodist Health Systems.
Yea family and friends.
Boo Methodist Health Systems.

That was a close one.

Mr. Carwash has made yet another appearance! This time at the Mavs game . . . am I being stalked? Ok, maybe not. But seriously, I can't get "It's a small world after all" out of my head. I worked a single Christmas season at F.A.O. Schwarz my freshman year of college. And let me tell you: that is one hell of an annoying song.

"sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's Fritos"

P.S. I've decided. Sometimes it's ok to let the little things take precedence over the big.

Christmas Carols and State Pride

Currently watching Tim Allen's Big Trouble and drinking a cup of very curious coffee called "Lola Savannah Cinnamon Stick." It is also Saturday morning and I'm doing the above in my pajamas after having just finished a particularly yummy piece of peanut butter toast. So, probably not necessary to say but, I'm pretty happy.

Seems like the happy times aren't as prevalent as they once were. Could expound on that for days, but not going to because I've recently pledged to myself to do a little more of the positive thinking thing. More claps, less snaps.

I'm usually a little resistant to the early start of the (commercial) Christmas season. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and there are already continuous Christmas songs on the radio. My neighbors are already starting to put up the tree lights. And the seasonal aile at Target is already packed with those super-organized people that are finishing up their holiday shopping. Like I said, I'm usually resistant to this phenomenon. I mean, I'm a fan of the turkey. Give him his time to shine! Right?

But for some reason this year is a little different. I've already replaced the Killers, Brad Paisley, and Feist from my various CD players with Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong, Harry Connick JR's When My Heart Finds Christmas, and a really cheesy holiday mix that includes George Michael and Mariah Carey. And, guess what. They're making me really happy.

Earlier this morning I caught a little bit of CNN. There is a native Kansas women that is up for Senate approval to be the head of US Immigration. But, forget the politics for now. The news clip quoted both of Missouri's senators. And, it made me happy.

I see a MO license plate, it makes me happy. I hear a comment about the Show Me State, I'm happy. Someone tries to argue with me about the superiority of Texas barbecue over KC's offering and I smile. Mostly because I know just how delusional they are, but also because it makes me happy. There's this whole state pride thing that's been happening to me since my arrival in Dallas. But, lately it's been getting a little ridiculous. Because any mention of my home state and I am automatically happy.

So, if you'll excuse me, I've got some Christmas carols to listen to. I've got some state pride to flaunt. And, I've got some seriously happy thoughts to think.

"If you're happy and you know it . . ."

The most amazing thing happened to me this morning. I was paged by the ER and instead of being given a patient to see (amazing enough!) the unit secretary asked if I had time to talk to a patient that was trying to find me. She connected me with her via phone and the patient proceeded to make my day.

I had a vague memory of her but no clear picture. She told me who she was and then thanked me for saving her life. She had come into the ER in August with very atypical chest pain and I was asked to see her in consultation. I remember her perfectly now: she looked like complete crap. Her symptoms weren't classic for a heart attack but she just made me really nervous for some reason. As soon as I finished examining her I was called by one of our cardiologists regarding results on another patient. I asked him to come by and see her in the ER. I remember telling him that I wasn't convinced it was cardiac but that there was just something about her and I felt like she should be cathed sooner rather than later. He saw her and said he'd take her right then.

About 20 minutes later he called and said "Amy, I like your eye. I mean I hate your eye but I like your eye." The poor lady infarcted right there on the catherization table and had to be taken emergently to one of our sister hospitals for intervention. He apparently told the patient later that everyone was stumped in the ER before I saw her and that I saved her life.

She only has a very vague recollection of me, she told me today that she just remembers me sitting down next to her bed and telling her that I was going to figure out what was wrong. She's doing fantastic now and came all the way out to the hospital to thank me for saving her.

Unless you do this job everyday you probably can't imagine how rare it is for a patient to make this kind of effort. So much of the feedback we get from patients is negative.

That's a global humanity thing: we are all so much more likely to complain than to applaud. But this one sweet lady made my morning. And, more, she inspired me to spend more time clapping.

Hello neighbor!

Welcome to the 'hood Julie!

See? I'm not always right.

I saw Mr. Carwash out and about in Dallas this morning. What the HELL was I thinking?

Chick Flick Cherry

Yesterday I revisited the 80's classic Valley Girl. I'm going to go out on a limb and call this Nicholas Cage's best work. Or maybe second only to his cameo role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Definitely better than the depression-inducing Leaving Las Vegas. This opinion is based almost entirely on his hair in the movie. Gotta admit, I have a little crush on his hair. I tried to convince myself during the watching that I would have been so much more punk than preppy had I had any choice in my attire back in 1983. Since I was still doing the pre-K matching clothes thing with my sister at the time, I don't actually have to face the reality that I've never been cool enough to be punk . . . :)

that end of the tunnel thing

I thought I'd lost my life. Work was everything. At first, by choice. And then? It just took over. So when work is going bad and it's everything, what's left? I thought I'd lost my life. But, I think I'm finding it again. It's amazing what friends, family, a long walk on a fall day, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, and an enormous pot of coffee can do for a girl . . .

10 days into my 31st year . . .

I quit.

post-script

So, obviously I had a pretty fantastic birthday. Celebrated the big 3-0 in style just as planned. So why am I sitting in my apartment alone at 9 pm on the tail end of this monumental day? I could be with countless other people right now. Could be doing anything. But I'm sitting here in my PJs alone. And, it's by choice. I just wanted to be by myself for awhile. Thinking seriously about eating another piece of cake. In a very contemplative mood. Wondering, what comes next?

The Big 3-0 . . .

30 is big. I mean, it's monumental. Right? It seems as if you've reached some kind of milestone. A kind of turning point. So, if it's a big, monumental milestone of a turning point then it deserves to be celebrated in style. No?

The weekend started out with the arrival of the majority of my Missouri family . . . you can't turn thirty without your twin sister by your side! We did the family thing at my cousin's house for dinner and were joined by a few honorary Hallers (you know them as Ian and Gigi). Have I mentioned that my cousin (and cousin-in-law!) make freakin' awesome margaritas? If so, it bears repeating: my cousin makes freakin' awesome margaritas! The juiced up tequila was occompanied by equally awesome guac and fajitas. Ian, did you eat your weight in fajita meat? Not judging, buddy. I think I drank them out of house and home:) Little sis Sarah made our b-day cake and it was enjoyed by all. But, Julie may have enjoyed it a little more than others!

The next day we headed over to Norma's for a little breakfast - yum, yum. Norma's is most well known for their biscuits. Cousins Steve, Julie, Max and Sam discovered this place for me - I'd lived right down the street from it for 3 years and never dropped in! Below is our pictoral tribute to Norma's. God bless the biscuit!

Samantha in a biscuit coma!

Biscuit head and her twin sister biscuit butt:)

This morning we had a birthday brunch at Erica and Travis's house (Thanks guys!). It was a beautiful fall day filled with family and fun . . .

Ian and his "little rogue!"

Jacelynn giving her Aunt Amy a birthday yoshi:)

Myla and Sarah flashing those famous Haller smiles!

It has been the perfect birthday celebration weekend. Thanks so much to all my family and friends who put such effort into making it special!

I love you KK! Happy birthday "little sister!"

"Do I stay or do I go now?"

Been struggling a lot lately with my career path. It's hard for me to admit (getting easier!) but I'm not happy with my professional life. And that's so not me! It's a completely foreign feeling. I've always been pretty smug with the choices I've made when it comes to my job. Starting with the decision to go to med school, I've felt confident at each juncture that I was on the right path. But, now? The only thing I'm confident about is that I've made a mistake.

I was naive. I was, actually, the definition of naive. I put a lot of trust in people that don't deserve it, trust in people that did nothing to earn it. But a lot of the responsibility is with me. I took the easiest road, the path of least resistance. I know that now.

The next step is knowing what to do about it. And that's the big problem I'm facing. Because, I have NO idea what to do.

Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" keeps running through my head: You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. Well Kenny, that may be easier said (or sung!) than done. I guess I'll just put on my poker face until I get it all figured out . . .

Expiration Date: 2017

I am no longer a board eligible physician. I am now board certified in Internal Medicine, having just received an e-mail notification of my passing score. Is it just me, or are things getting awfully grown up around here?

Lone Karaoke - check.

I did it. Never doing it again. Traumatized for life. Mostly because I heard Gigi laughing at me the whole time. Hoping my face will stop being red sometime before work tomorrow. Feel that I am forever destined to do duets . . .

"you must forgive me, if I'm up and gone to Carolina in my mind"

Back home and once again exhausted from a long weekend away. But worth it because of both the company and the surroundings.

Asheville is freaking beautiful!

Natalie and I had a great time hanging out in the city - vintage/thrift store shopping, drinking lots of tasty local microbrews, people watching. We may have eaten a little as well:) A few highlights of the weekend:

Every Friday night there is a "Drum Circle" in downtown Asheville. People just show up with various kinds of drums and start playing. It draws a huge crowd. Great drum beats and crazy dancing - what's not to love?!

Cats and Dawgs: Readers of this blog must think I'm obsessed with hot dogs. Perhaps I am:) Went to this particular restaurant on recommendation of friends and I wasn't disappointed. Tried the traditional "Carolina" dog and enjoyed it immensely - cole slaw makes everything a little bit better:) Also had the infamous chili cheese fries. Katie/Jesse, what do they put in that chili? Crack? Best order of fries I've ever had. Ever.

Found this great independent bookstore that made me want to move to the area so I could spend every Saturday afternoon there. Spent too much money on books that I probably don't need, but . . .

Drove up and down the Blue Ridge Parkway. The weather was perfect and the sky was clear. Spent an amazing afternoon just soaking up the sun and that "something" that is fall.

Came back to a cold and wet Dallas. May seem like a major let down after the beauty of the weekend. But it's actually perfect. 'Cause it's ideal nap weather and I am so in need of a nap:)

BTW: picture of guest blogger in question:)

And from our guest blogger Natalie . . .

I'm a little bit shy and giggly right now because I've never written a blog entry before. You see, blogs were invented when I lived in the Marshall Islands on a tiny rock in the Pacific. Same with iPods. By extension, I don't have either of these items and am quite intimidated by this high-flying technology. I do, however, have a scar from a skin boil. Yep, just like folks in the Old Testament. In addition, I took 4 years' worth of showers by bucket. Please don't interpret these two bits of trivia as connected.

Anyway, so I'm writing this blog because Amy is visiting me for our birthdays. It has been 8 years since we've seen each other in October. Hard to believe since we pretty much spent all birthdays together from 1988 until 1999. Let's hope we get back on this streak again!

Amy and I lead very different lives these days. She has a blog. I have a facebook account. She lives in an apartment by herself. I live in a building with 120 18-year-olds. Amy is wearing her Yoda shirt that she wore for School Picture Day in 11th grade. I haven't even seen the "new" Star Wars movies. Amy said "that's a pretty good cast" when she saw Aaron's arm bandaged up in a sweaty sock, a magazine and electrical tape. I said, "Aaron, you should go to a doctor." Amy contra-danced with a hot guy. Only old men ask me to dance. You get the picture...

Okay, so I think my first blog entry is coming to an end. Though, I hope it is not truly an end, but merely the beginning of many more blog entries and comments on Amy's site.

Good day and good cheer. (That's from my favorite Robert Redford movie, Upclose and Personal, for you who aren't obsessed with this AARP heart throb.)

Smells like fall!

Already more fall leaves on the ground here than we
usually see in Texas all season!

"It's not easy being green . . ."

Made it safely into Asheville last evening and already having a great time!

So, so great to get to spend time with Natalie - we haven't spent a birthday together since her 21st in KC. Oh, those Westport days:)

Nat works on the Warren Wilson College campus and that's where we've spent the majority of our time so far. This school is so far away from my college experience. It's small, only about 800 students. And it is green. I'm talking seriously green. They have an Eco-dorm that is solar powered with compost toilets. Apparently the toilet was nominated for their homecoming court this year (not kidding!). Unfortunately it got beat out by the college farm goat (again, not kidding!). It's a work college so they have a fully functional farm that is student run. They raise organic beef and pork. They even have a dairy cow that the students can get fresh milk from. Apparently it's not outside the norm for people to make yogurt and cheese in their dorm rooms. So far from my UMKC days!

We hit nearby Black Mountain this afternoon for lunch. I found a coffee house that boasts "the best espresso in the mountains (Rockies Included)" and you know what? I believe them!

Tonight we're going to head into downtown Asheville for something called the Drum Circle. I have no idea what that means but am looking forward to finding out:)

Almost forgot: Last night I went Contra dancing. Oh-my-God. That's it for now. Still recovering . . .

Dead Heat

Made it into Charlotte on time and waiting to board a little bity plane to my final destination. Even had enough time to hit the bathroom AND the bookstore. Discovered that Dick Francis wrote another book - he has to be about 80! This one shares author credit with his son . . . Significance? Hope Dick isn't contemplating retirement!
P.S. Lovin' this e-mail/text blogging thing!

Rev-ed up and Red-y

Just boarded the plane to Asheville. Have a connecting flight through Charlotte. Already running late and the timing was really tight to begin with. Off to a stellar start . . .
P.S. This is my first e-mail blog!
P.P.S. Happy 29th Nat!

Super "Z"

Almost a week old and she's doing better every day!

"I really do want world peace."

Last night I went to the Tipp by myself. My usual Monday night karaoke buddy was out of the country and I needed a Harp fix. I love the Tipp. I don't really go for the karaoke. I go for the people, the vibe. It's this great little Irish pub in the middle of Dallas. It's my Cheers, ya know? So, ok. Not everybody knows my name. But they know my drink and that's infinitely better:)

Every Monday night they have karaoke. Despite the Dallas lack of appreciation for Johnny Horton and the like, fun has been had there I can assure you. Some of that fun has even been caught on tape . . . Ian, I still have the video somewhere of our Kid/Sheryl duet so don't cross me:)

There I was drinking my Harp (Thanks Kristy!), enjoying the show. When I got there one of the regulars was singing my favorite James Taylor song. It was a bad rendition but good, know what I mean? With this promising start, I continued my passive observation. People came by to say hi, more Harp arrived at my side. Good times. Then people started to ask when I was going to sing and the karaoke guy asked if I was waiting for "everybody else" to arrive before getting on stage. I started to feel a little defensive without knowing why. Realization struck like a punch to the stomach -

I never sing by myself.

Never.

I'm not shy. Ok. Sometimes I'm shy. But not as a rule. And I'm not generally adverse to making a fool of myself. I get up there routinely and sing some really horrible karaoke. And frequently that's stone cold sober! But, again, never by myself.

Not sure how this has previously escaped my attention. And, not exactly sure what it even means. I just know I'm a little disturbed by it. Maybe I take myself a little more seriously than I'd like to admit? This feels important. This seems like something to be overcome.

I am getting perilously close to my 30th birthday. In fact there is only one more Monday night between me and that milestone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I had hoped to accomplish prior to the big 3-o. Lone karaoke has never been on the list. But everything else - owning my first home, starting a family, world peace, etc. . . - is just so damn intimidating! And not likely to fit into my current time constraints. And so,

Next Monday night, the 22nd of October, I will sing a song. By myself. All alone. No back up singers. Hell, no lead singer. Just me and the stage.

Take that you nasty fourth decade.

birth day

She's here. A little early - 8 weeks to be exact - but here. Sweet Zoe Jane (Hughes) Williams came into the world screaming. A great sign and nothing less than expected given how vocal and/or opinionated her parents can be!

She's tough, also not surprising given her lineage, but could certainly use your prayers/blessings/healing energy/good vibrations/etc . . . So don't be stingy!

hmmm . . . catchy

The doctors 3 . . . I like it.

I'm still full . . .

So last weekend, as you all know, I went to Chicago. The trip was in honor of Ian's 30th birthday and fun was had by all. The other attendees have each blogged their accounts and recollections of said fun. I'm not sure that I have much to add to their descriptions. Although, some seem to be just a little sketchy on the details:) You can follow links to their blogs throughout this entry but I'm adding my two cents in as well. As promised, there will be pictures. And video. Oh, did I forget to mention the existence of video? How careless of me:)

Day 1

Our arrival in Chicago was without real incident. Yes, there was delay. Delay by air. Delay by train. And delay by people who promised the hotel was only 3 blocks from the L stop. But, overall, without incident. The party got started with a little nutritional stop for pre-drinking sustenance at Ian's favorite pizza place.

After we were sufficiently stuffed we headed out for some alcohol-influenced fun. I'm really not sure what I can say about what happened next. After all, it's already been documented. I don't feel I really have anything to add. And besides, don't they say something about a picture being worth a thousand words . . .

Gigi found the night air very refreshing on the cab ride home and decided the best way to fully appreciate it was to stick her head of the window. This resulted in her new nickname C-dog. I'll leave it up to y'all to figure out where the "C" comes from:)

You may be thinking "surely the night ended there." Not quite. First, Gigi wanted to sing Ian and I to sleep . . .

Happy birthday Pop!

My dad is the coolest. Seriously. There are so many things I could say about him today, his birthday. Decided to say just one, something I feel is representative of the cool man and great father he is.

My dad drove down from Missouri with my mom and hung my book shelves for me. Book shelves that he had made (and Mom had finished!). Book shelves that had been sitting in my bedroom since their arrival in Texas. Just sitting there because I knew that he would come. Before and after pictures are above. Thanks Daddy - I love you! Happy birthday:)

I have been challenged.

A question has been asked: who can provide the best blog account of this past weekend's trip to Chicago? I have been challenged and I accept this challenge. I may not be the most witty. I may not be the best at turning a tale. And I'm certainly not the best speller of big, impressive words. But I do have all the pictures:)

My attempt, coming soon.

I-70's looking pretty good . . .

I am exhausted.

I spent the weekend in Chicago with friends for Ian's 30th birthday. We had a great time. Really great. But. I think this weekend has confirmed for me what I have long suspected. I am getting old. Getting? Hell, may already be there. I just can't keep up like I used to. Thankfully, with age comes wisdom. I feel I now know my limits and try to back off as I approach them. Result being, finished the weekend being the only one not to get completely smashed. Even better, hangover free. Of course that placed me in the mom role a couple of times over the past few days. Do I gravitate to that role or does it gravitate towards me? So, despite my surviving Chicago sans smash the end result was unfortunately still the following blog opener:

I am exhausted.

Thank God that wisdom, again, comes with age. Because I had the foresight to take today off as well. What does it say about me that I have to have a day off to recover from a day off?

Now here I sit. Drinking coffee, eating peanut butter toast, and blogging about the state of my life. The state overall, as I see it, is good. Let me dissect it a bit below . . .

The Chicago trip,in spite of the extreme fatigue, was perfect in a lot of ways. If you've never visited the city in the fall you are missing out. The weather was beautiful. Spent some quality time with good friends. Even made a new friend - so nice to meet you Katie! Got a little shopping in. Ate. A lot. My favorite culinary experience was our Hot Dog Adventure Tour. Guess I'll be blogging about that in the near future since I've already titled it:)

Recently reconnected with a really good friend via phone that I haven't seen in an embarrassingly long time. Actually have plans to reconnect with her in person later today. Because here's the thing. She lives in Dallas and I haven't seen her in almost a year. I told you it was embarrassing!

Re connections are apparently my thing lately. Been getting to hang out with a friend who's been out of the country and in a week he'll be moving to Argentina (!). Getting my Garrison time in:) And I've seen another great friend twice in the past ten days that I probably haven't been able to hang out with in months. Definitely been reconnecting.

And the job? Let's skip that for now.

The problem is this: For every reconnection I've made, I have 3 other people I've been neglecting. For every trip I've made or city I've visited, I have 5 other places I've never been that I feel drawn to explore. For every day off I have that gives me some Amy time, I crave another week of days filled with the same.

Who's life is this? Is it mine? Did I make it what it is? Or did it morph on its own? If I'm the creator, did I do right by me or have I made one huge mistake followed by another? The overall state may be good, even appealing, on the surface. But - and here's the real question - is it the state I want to live in?

Maybe it's time to think about relocation.

So, turns out the world doesn't totally suck.

Today one of my patients gave me a hug.

Not in a weird or creepy way. In a thank-you-for saving-my-life kinda way.

He's just a guy who came under my care, sick as hell, and left the hospital today well on his way to being healthy again. And I'm just a girl who was incredibly moved by the gesture.

I love an orgainized closet . . .

This early Saturday morning I've decided to pour out my heart as I prepare to pour out cup after cup of coffee. I believe the topics will be varied. Perhaps something new for each cup?

Pre-cup:
While I blog I sit at my desk and am able to see a collage of snapshots. Friends. Family. As much as I love these people, I am so glad to now be sitting in my apartment alone. I need time to think. Time to rejuvenate. Time to just be. I need my Amy time. I really don't understand people that need to be constantly surrounded. People that need to have something planned with others for nearly all their waking moments. Later today I've got plans with my family. I'm so excited to be able to spend some quality time with them. Because I definitely need my family time too! But for now? Planning on milking my morning alone for all it's worth:) And speaking of milk, better get to the fridge. I think my first cup is ready . . .

First Cup:
Got a little distracted by my TV on the way back from the kitchen. But my morning? My prerogative. (Now totally have Bobby Brown's "It's My Prerogative" running through my head!)

Cup #2:
I recently heard someone say "I cannot control how I am perceived. I can only control how I am presented."

Numero tres:
Let me explain a few things. Each of these "cups" are actually equivalent to about 2 and half cups of coffee. I'm using a ridiculously large mug this morning . . . my weekend mug:) So, I'm actually over half done with my 10 cup pot. May make you wonder what I've been doing this morning as there hasn't yet been a lot of blogging. Well, first, when I said I got a "little" distracted by my TV I actually meant that I watched a random makeover show for about an hour. And then when I remembered the above quote (see cup #2), it got me to thinking about how I present myself. The combo of the makeover show and the thought-provoking quote took up quite a bit of time by themselves. More time consumed, however, by the fact that they sent me to my closet. And it seemed like a good time to try on all the dresses in my wardrobe. Which then, of course, led to the cleaning out and reorganizing of said closet. Frankly, I'm a little exhausted. Lucky I have this half-pot of coffee left! Ok, well actually now it's just a fourth . . .

Fourth and Final:
Starting to feel a little jittery. But in a really good and satisfying way! Here's what I'm thinking: I like myself. Certainly there are always, and will always be, things that I'll want to change about myself. Ok with being curvy, for example, but don't really need my ass to be quite this substantial:) And, it continues to be a constant struggle to control my infamous Haller temper. Much better than I used to be but it still gets by me every once in a while. Good thing I'm not into physical violence! Could go on and on. But concentrating on the liking myself thing today:) I'm a cool, smart, loyal person who happens to be pretty cute when she wants to be. What's not to like, right? No wonder I wanna spend time with me . . . :)

When in Rome . . .

What is normal?

My college roommate and I used to refer to ourselves as the only two normal people in the world. Seriously. We used to drive all our friends crazy with talk about our normalcy. We even thought we should be featured on TV. The rest of our country needed a guide after all!:)

Tonight during dinner with two really wonderful friends -

Pause. Patsy Cline is on. Must dance around and sing, back shortly.

Ok. I'm back. During dinner I claimed to be normal. I think my friends were offended that I would label myself as such. They equated normal to average. I disagreed. They asked me to define normal. My answer? Me. They then accused me of being grandiose. Hmmmm.

Disclaimer:
This blog was brought to you by the following sponsors: Patron Silver tequila and Chahelam Pinot Noir.

Time flies. Stop it, time. Stop it.

Getting ready to head out to Atlanta. Taking a break from the tedious task of packing.

The last occasion I spent any significant amount of time in the city of Atlanta (airport doesn't count!) was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. We were on our way back from the beach - always the cross country road trip for the Haller crew! - and decided to stop in Georgia to visit my step family. My grandmother had married George the fall before and his oldest son's family lived in Atlanta. We went to the Coca-Cola Museum:)

Seems like a lifetime ago.

Maybe tomorrow . . .

Just popped the top on another icy can of Diet Coke. This addiction thing sucks.

caffeine content: 46mg/12 fl oz

I think I may be addicted to Diet Coke. I'm talking seriously physically dependent on the stuff. Part of it, I know, is the caffeine load. But there has to be something else. Some other goodness that Coca Cola adds to make me crave that 12 oz silver can.

I'm not really a fan of feeling dependent on something. Thinking about giving it up. Going cold turkey (Curious phrase, by the way. Origin, Gigi?). Yep. Definitely kicking the habit. Right after I finish the one currently sitting three inches from my left hand, I'm cutting DC out of my life.

Feeling very strong. Very much in control. Liking the new non-dependent me.

"I want the fairy tale . . ."

Let me tell you a story.

There once was a young girl who had big dreams. Her dreams were idealistic and untarnished by life's future disappointments. She dreamed of living a life that made a difference. She imagined that life would someday include a family of her own.

The girl grew into a woman. She had worked hard and long to make her dreams come true. She really felt that her daily life mattered. That her daily life impacted others. That, as she once dreamed, she was making a difference. She was surrounded by family and friends that she loved, that loved her. The only missing piece was a partner to share her life with. A man to start a family with.

But despite this missing piece, the girl-turned-woman was happy. She was content with who she was and where she was in life. She was confident that her dreams would be realized to completion. That one day, someday, she would have the partner she wanted. She never doubted a destiny that included marriage and children.

Time passed. Her girlhood optimism and idealism were repeatedly threatened by the world's cynicism. She found it harder and harder to trust in her dream. At the end of most days, she was unable to be certain that the past 24 hours were of any significance. And while she continued to meet and date boys, no man was anywhere to be seen.

So on the eve of her 30th birthday, we find our heroine wondering where her dreams have gone. Where is the life she wanted, the destiny she was previously so certain of?

Is it time for new dreams? Or instead of losing her dreams, has she really just lost her faith?

To be continued . . .

And, it's done.

Can't beat a post-party at the Tipp!

That's right. Boards are over. The world is right again. No worries until scores are due out in November. Can't change anything at this point anyway. Now there's nothing to cloud my mind and drive me crazy.

Except life. Love. Etc.

Crap. It never ends . . .

Everyone needs a little Natalie . . .

It is once again a beautiful Sunday morning that I've decided to celebrate with a pot of Community Coffee and my laptop. Definitely have other things I should be doing right now . . .

My new sneakers are crying out for some pavement time.

I can see an intimidating stack of study materials cluttering up my kitchen table.

The message light is blinking on my phone.

Just heard a crash from the bathroom that I'm pretty sure represents the fall of a towering laundry pile that has been ignored a minute too long.

But, here I sit. With my coffee cup and my computer. Happy.

In my current line of vision I can see a framed picture of me and one of my oldest friends. The picture was taken last year at the the Kansas City International Airport and we both have the biggest, cheesiest smiles on our faces. Airports don't tend to illicit that response from me so I can only assume it was the company.

I'm sure some of you are just itching to argue that the infamous Haller smile only comes in one photographic variety - big and cheesy. While there may be a tiny speck of truth in that I'll assure you that time spent with this friend invites that smile, camera or no. You'll just have to believe me. Because I've decided this friend will be the topic of today's coffee-influenced blog.

We'll refer to her as Buggie. Not under any kind of dramatic delusion of protecting her identity. I mean, with my current readership of about 3 people I don't really think that's necessary. Do you Sarah, Ian, and Gigi? :) We'll call her Buggie because I do, actually, call her Buggie. And have since the fourth grade . . .

That's when our story begins. Mid-way through my fourth grade year we had a new student added to my class. She wasn't new to town, that would have been exciting enough (small town life!). She was skipping a grade! I can't begin to tell y'all how much this impressed and intimidated my little 10 year old self. It may actually be the last time I was intimidated by someone. This may actually be the turning point at which I would always subsequently be described on initial meetings as intimidating. An aside: I swear I'm not scary!

Back to Buggie. I had to make her my friend! But how would I set myself apart from all the other fourth graders vi-ing for her attention? I know! I would make myself equally as impressive. She was smart, right? Then I would showcase my own intelligence. How to accomplish this? I racked my preteen brain. And then an idea came to me through what I can only assume was Divine intervention. I went to my locker and got out the one thing that I could think of that would let this cool, cool girl know exactly who she was dealing with. I got out my Book-It pin.

Book-It. Do you know it? A Pizza Hut sponsored program to encourage young students to read by bribing them with a personal pan pizza. Wondering if it still exists? There I go, digressing again.

I can only conclude that the sight of me with my (completed) Book-It pin attached to my shirt had the desired effect of showing Buggie that she would be remiss in not making me her BFF straight away. You may be doubting the power and allure of said Book-It pin. But it's 19 years later and she's still my oldest and dearest friend. Conclusive, no? :)

Buggie? Almost 20 years? Can you believe that?

Our friendship has meant the world to me. It survived petty fifth grade squabbles. Remember trying to make up a dance routine to Faith in CB's basement? It persisted through the occasional hell of middle school. The best day of eight grade for me was the day you moved back to WMS and into my locker:) It survived high school and vastly different interests. And when most childhood friendships tend to falter, ours only became stronger when we both left the relative safety of the 'Burg for our chosen colleges. We've travelled together. We've emailed advice over miles of country, even miles of ocean. We've shared our lives with each other.

Ok. This is a little freaky. Listening to the Killers while blogging . . . Believe Me Natalie just came on. You see? Our friendship? Divinely influenced:)

Buggie, you're still the first person I want to share any boy story with. My current boy has "some brown hair and some brown eyes" and it makes me smile to think of all the boys we've described that way. I love you sweetie. And I'm so looking forward to the next 20 years of friendship with you . . .

"What happened to us?"

I just got a call from a guy I dated earlier this year - let's call him Mr Carwash. Hadn't talked to him in a while. We just kinda fizzled out, know what I mean? Well, ok. It was a deliberate fizzle on my part. Anyway. So, he calls out of the blue and says "Hey, what happened to us?" I don't even remember exactly how I responded to this. I really had no desire to talk to him - only answered the phone because he called THREE TIMES IN A ROW. What happened to us? Where should I begin? Better yet, I won't even get started. Because I've moved on and I just don't care anymore. But, the question got me to thinking in more global terms . . .

Why do people have such a hard time talking to each other? Why are we so afraid to say what we are thinking? Are we afraid of confrontation? Afraid of the truth? Afraid of hurting someone? Or just afraid of opening ourselves up to venerability? To putting ourselves out there. Why do we let the fear of what others might think dictate what we do? What we say.

I hope everyone has a least one person in their lives that they feel they can say anything to. I have my sisters. And I have a lot of really great friends. But even with them I choose certain people with whom to discuss certain things. "Knowing my audience," as one particular friend might say. Or, at least I think he might say. Don't really know for sure because I've never talked to him about these thoughts. About these questions. Why?

No answers here tonight, readers. As has been my recent M.O., just a lot of questions . . .

May be time for a nap . . .

So. My IM certification boards are coming up in a frighteningly short amount of time. Seems like the perfect opportunity to further procrastinate the intense studying I should be engaged in and update my little blog . . .

It amazes me how people can completely ruin my day with a careless comment or insensitive remark. How they can make me feel like I've completely wasted my time in my efforts to comfort or reassure them. Maybe more amazing is that I am still so affected by these people. Where is that thickened skin I was supposed to acquire? Where is the disillusionment I'm supposed to now be plagued with? Why, despite the seeming never ending beat down, am I still attached to my idealism? Why the almost desperate need for job satisfaction and the continued striving towards beneficence?

After a 12-plus hour day (not yet ended), following a near sleepless 24 hour call, I'm not sure I know the answer. Think I'll just have to get back to you on that.

They used to call me "Sunshine"

There are some things in life that when experienced or remembered make you smile in a really peaceful and satisfied way.

Surely the list differs for each individual. Here's a sample of mine.

1. Phone calls from friends who no longer live 15 minutes away.
2. A casual and relaxing dinner with great company.
3. First kisses.

There are too many wonderful moments in life for me to spend so much time concentrating on the crap that makes me frown. Here's to keeping things in perspective!

All in the Family

Day 7 and the last day of our vacation has arrived. The morning has been filled with packing, cleaning, and saying our goodbyes. You may have noticed that no actual descriptions or real photographic evidence of our beach time have been made available via this blog. So, it turns out that a nice secluded beach vacation is often accompanied by inconsistent Internet availability. The end result? I'm a little behind. Let me make it up to you . . .

Once landed in Tallahassee, Sarah and I settled in for the aforementioned 5 hour wait for the family. My multi-talented little sister spent a significant amount of this time attempting to fix my suitcase that the airline had thoughtlessly broken on our trip. Sarah was unsuccessful despite a valiant effort. We decided to spent the rest of our time more efficiently - we headed to the bar!

We were eventually rescued from boredom (or in SJ's case, an "open-mouth" nap) by the arrival of our Missouri family. And then we were on the road!

We joined up with the rest of the gang . . . vacation already in progress.

We rapidly joined in the fun. Commencing with eating, drinking, and beaching. For any that may be reading this blog that have known me for 10 plus years you may recall that the sun and I usually don't get along. No matter how hard I try to limit my exposure, no matter how hard I work to apply my SPF 50 evenly. No matter. All my hard work down the drain - I still ended up with the craziest sunburn since Florida '97! Sorry, didn't photograph this one for posterity:)

So, we left the beach for a day. Ate a little seafood at the Marina. Did a little shopping in a neighboring town. And of course, lathered on the aloe vera!

We eventually went back to the sun and continued to eat like kings and drink like fishes. One memorable and highly entertaining evening we decided to play a classic Haller family game we call spoons. Do you know it? Here's a little taste . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blcBBX7HnWk

After we got a couple games under our belts things got a little on the competitive side. It must be said: I rock spoons. Normally. I blame my fall from the top and the oh-so-excellent margaritas my cousin Julie kept-a-coming. So what do a couple of girls used to winning do? (Julie also ingesting large quantities of assorted beverages and also early out of the game. Connection?) Loser shots! The whole family got in on it . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gmtfFI9_tg

Twin sister Carrie ended up the undisputed champion of game night. As a kindergarten teacher you can tell how much she values good sportsmanship . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJjjHRYjd4s

Seemed to be quite a bit of lounging around the next day . . . :)

The rest of our days were spent much as the previous: sun and sand, food and drink, family and fun. We played guitar hero. We read Harry Potter. We had a ball!

So,family. How about it? Same time, same place next year? Meet ya there:)