Thursday, May 21, 2009

tell it to me

am blogging sustenance: eggs, with extras
am blogging soundtrack: Old Crow Medicine Show

Been doing the internal struggle thing quite a bit lately. Actually have a very honest, spill my guts blog from several days ago that I ultimately decided not to publish. I've never done that before. Never censored myself like that. But this was a little too inner workings of me to share. At least for now. Might slip it in down the road sometime:)

So, I'm an analyzer. I examine every little interaction, every little nuance of conversation. This can be very helpful when utilized to help a friend. And it can be damn right trying when utilized in my own life. I just can't turn it off. I'm trying. Dear God, I'm trying. I want to just let go and enjoy. To take everything at face value and see what happens. Beginning to suspect I'm not built that way. Easy going in so many ways. This? Not one of 'em.

Friday, May 15, 2009

goodnight sweetheart

I first went to the Tipperary Inn about a year after I moved to Dallas. We had some residency thing for the new interns at Garrison's house and then Brad, Nikki, and I hit the Tipp afterwards for a few drinks. I remember thinking it seemed like a cool place and then promptly forgot where it was. I used to do that a lot back then - I thought Dallas was so big city:)

My next visit was probably a year plus later. Shelley, Gigi,and I met up with some of the anesthesia boys there. Remember Gigi? Or maybe not. I seem to recall that a ridiculous amount of Irish Car Bombs were consumed . . . mostly by you:)

Saw Sam and his band play there a couple of times over the next year or so. Still thinking this place is cool. But not making the leap to this is mine.

When was it exactly that I made the transition? Was it when I was doing the my-life-sucks-thing at Mansfield? I have super distinct memories of Ian and Gigi taking me there one Monday night in full out cheer-amy-up-or-get-drunk-trying mode. Incidentally, successful at both. I have video:)

Sometime after that the Tipp became a part of me. The place you go where everybody knows your name. Or at least they know your drink! Have met so many incredible people there. Have had so many incredible times there.

The Tipp is closing it's doors tomorrow night. Said my goodbyes earlier this week but still having a hard time letting it all sink in. It feels kind of like losing a friend. And I've never been very good at that.

As my final send off, a montage of all the good times. Slainte.






Thursday, May 14, 2009

infinitely late at night

What do you think it means that I haven't given this one a nickname?

Monday, May 11, 2009

there's never a magic 8 ball when you really need one.

Been spending a significant amount of time lately waiting for something to go wrong. And filling additional time hoping/praying that it doesn't. I'm exhausted.

It's amazing to me that I can live my life knowing without a doubt in my head that I deserve to be happy. And then not trust in that happiness. I deserve someone to love. I deserve to be loved. But when I suspect that maybe - just maybe - that person may have finally arrived, I keep waiting for it to get messed up. I spend so much time analyzing - over analyzing - every little thing. Looking for clues that we're not on the same page. Looking for clues that this isn't going to last.

He's better than me. He is. He is just hands down a better, smarter, more interesting person than I am. And it intimidates the hell out of me. It plays hell on my nerves. I've never had any real problems with self-esteem. When faced with someone who might not get how freaking cool I am, I've always questioned their intelligence or sanity. Seriously. Never questioning myself or considering that I may not be as amazing as I think I am. I mean, it's mostly a joke. My overly healthy appreciation of self. But I also really do honestly like myself. But being with this guy? I keep asking myself what he sees in me. Not because of anything he says or does. He says all the right things. Does all the right things. He's pretty near perfect. Damn him. What does he see in me?!?!?

I long ago realized that people have to look to really see me. I'm not someone that you notice across a room. My charms are cumulative and it takes time to really know the whole Amy. But I've always told myself that someday someone would just get it. They wouldn't see cute Amy. They would think I was beautiful. They wouldn't see the Amy that most frequently gets labelled as nice and fun. They would see my heart. They would see the part of me that takes care of those she loves and then want desperately to take care of me. Knowing that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself but wanting to be that to/for me anyway. This is what I've always wanted, what I've been waiting for.

This guy could be that guy. If he is, he deserves more of me than I'm currently giving him. But what if he's not that guy? What if I give more and I'm wrong about this? About all of this. What if what I want and have been waiting for doesn't really exist? Or maybe it just doesn't exist for me? I've never been in love. And thus have never suffered a true broken heart. I've been disappointed. I've been hurt. But this? This is so on a completely different level. Or at least it has the potential to be.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Urban Dare Dallas 2009

Ever since my Butterfly Boogie a month or so ago, I've been inundated with emails encouraging me to be more active by running this race for this charity or that race for that charity. Hadn't really felt the push so just went on my merry little non-running way. But then I got a notification about Urban Dare - think a one day amazing race kind of thing - and I thought well, why the hell not?

Recruited Autumn to be my partner and we've been in training ever since. Our training has mainly consisted of playing a few random bar games, learning the ins and outs of googlemaps on our blackberries, and participating in a few trivia nights. Oh, we did actually go for a few (very few) runs/walks. But basically we've spent the last few weeks rationalizing every thing we've done by claiming it as a training experience. Pretty brilliant in a lazy slacker kind of way:)

Our daring day began at 1100 am at the Gingerman in Uptown. Gotta love a racing adventure that starts (and ends!) at a bar. We donned our matching t-shirts, represented the Show Me State (A's an honorary resident) with our choice in hats, and gave ourselves some tough temporary tattoos. Oh, yeah. And we had a beer. Seemed like a good idea at the time . . . :)





I'm not sure we really knew what we had gotten ourselves into until we received our clue sheets and the race was on. Even though the teams were all made up of just 2 people, we belatedly realized that most people were teaming up into much larger groups. The advantage being that they were able to decipher the clues much quicker and then hit the road. A sample of the kind of thing we were figuring out: As a writer, Erato is my muse. Go to the park where she and her sisters are represented by stones for your 3-legged dare. Thank God for crackberries. And for friends with high speed Internet:)

After we had finished getting through the clues we then had to plot out our route that took us all over Dallas. Time was important as was limiting a lot of backtracking. Wanted to conserve energy as much as possible. The rules stated that you could walk, run, or take public transportation but Autumn and I have no first-hand knowledge or experience with DART. And we didn't think we could bring ourselves up to speed in enough time for it to be helpful. So basically we had to rely on our own horsepower. Learned 2 things: Autumn is kind of a navigation/plotting rockstar and I have the smallest bladder in the world. I had to sprint back to the Ginger to relieve said bladder while Autumn finished up planning our route:)




We hauled ass all over Uptown, Downtown, the West End/Arts District, and Deep Ellum. We saw places - really cool places - we didn't even know existed in Dallas. We ran, we sweat, we were cheered on by random strangers. We participated in some pretty ridiculous challenges . . .


We finished up our last challenge and got our passport stamped just seconds before the down pour that had been threatening all day came to volition. Luckily we are the two most prepared people I know and we had the most perfect rain gear. Ok, actually? Not at all appropriate or helpful. But, I think everyone will agree, pretty stinkin' cute:)

We considered ourselves having successfully completed Urban Dare '09 at that point and cabbed it back to the Gingerman. We arrived drenched and exhausted but with the sweet buzz of satisfaction - soon to be replaced with the sweet buzz of more beer:) We may not have come in first place. Or second or third or fourth. But we didn't come in last. And we were the only team to be greeted by such ultra supportive friends/fans . . .





Thanks Gigi and Clayton for all the technical help and for your mad poster making skills - you guys are the best:)

So, yeah. We kinda kicked Urban Dare Dallas's ass. As promised. And we're more than ready for the rematch.