biscuit head

big girls don't cry?

2012-02-07T14:50:00.002-06:00

Uh, yeah.

I just completely broke down this morning in my kitchen. I mean, com-plete-ly lost it. Tears. The shoulder shaking kind. The followed by a killer headache kind. The surely-someone-must-have-died kind. And all because of this wedding insanity I've got going on around here.

I do realize that a good portion of it is self imposed stressing. I get that I don't have to make homemade whole-grain honey mustard as thank you gifts for the dinner party the boy's parents' friends are throwing in our honor this Saturday night. And I'm sure my bridesmaids wouldn't be mad if I didn't make their herbal tea hostess presents from scratch for my upcoming bachelorette party weekend. Just like I know my family will appreciate whatever token I give them in April come wedding time, hand crafted or not. But those are the things I'm actually enjoying!! And that's what is so hard to explain to people as they see me edging up to that line just south of crazy. The stuff that could be cut out is the stuff that's most important to me.

It made me so freakin' happy to track down yellow and brown mustard seeds in bulk the other day. I had a ball reading about the potential effects of lemon balm and rose hip for use in a calming/sleepy time tea. And I want to spend the time required to make something for my family that might have some small chance of telling them just how much I love and value each of one them. It's all the other stuff that I want to be able to just snap my fingers and have them magically crossed off my to do list!

No one stepped up last post to help me figure out the whole cloning thing. How about magic? The Harry Potter variety. Anybody? No?

*big sigh*

No worries. I'll just add it to that infamous list of mine;)

driving the 105

2012-01-14T09:16:00.004-06:00

I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I last put a little piece of myself on the blogosphere. Many reasons. A little chaotic around here! My days are filled with work and family. Friends and day to day life. The boy. Lots of time attributed to the boy:) A while back he let me in on a little secret. He actually kind of hates it when I inform the world of his sweetness. So while his blog worthy sweetness has marched tirelessly on, I've been mums the word! And have thus lost a lot of biscuit head fodder.

But the absolute biggest time suck in my life lately? Planning our I'm-sure-it's-going-to be-amazingly-beautiful-but-I-actually-kind-of-hate-it-right-now wedding.

Seriously. I'm so over this wedding.

Not over the occasion of our marriage. Not over becoming Mrs Boy. Not over the promise of our future family and dreams of our life together. I'm extremely excited about all of those things and can't wait for it to be official!

I'm just WAY past being over the planning of this mother f*#king wedding.

See? That's how done with this process I am! Now I sound like a bad Samuel L impersonator.

Ok. To be fair - why do I feel compelled to be fair? - I've enjoyed a lot of the getting married process. The daydreaming up of ideas. Choosing my wedding dress with my sisters. Coming up with thoughtful, often homemade, gifts for our family and members of our wedding party. Searching through antique stores for the vintage treasures that I want to incorporate in our reception decor. My engagement ring. I'm really, really enjoying my engagement ring:)

But I hate the hounding I have to do. Hounding Missouri vendors long distance about a wedding that they see as way in the future but I see as just around the corner. Hounding family about little details or bits of information I need from them. Hounding the boy. About anything. About everything.

You know what I wish? I wish I had a wedding planner/personal assistant. But not just any wedding planner/personal assistant. I wish I could clone myself. Then I would hire my cloned self to be my ultimate personal wedding planning assistant.

Yes.

because it's friday

2011-10-07T08:29:00.003-05:00

15 wonderful, beautiful things I did this week:

1. multiple uninterrupted hours scavenging for vintage finds
2. dreaming about said vintage finds
3. a very girly lunch with T
4. a solo dinner at home -goat cheese and marcona almonds!
5. marathon cooking session for a week full of food
6. PUMPKIN PATCH!
7. lunch at In&Out with the soon to be in laws
8. painting project
9. quality front porch time
10. home cooked dinner with friends
11. swanky Dallas happy hour with excellent people watching
12. a book or two
13. a full eight hours of sleep every night!
14. wedding details (the fun kind)
15. dedicated, leisurely coffee time

wednesday

2011-08-31T14:22:00.003-05:00

today's loves (because the hates are out there and bringing me down):

1. driving myself (!) to work in my brand spankin' new car
2. a perfectly crafted latte, already waiting for me at the register
3. super nice Etsy artists who send fabric swatches
4. a much needed 30 minute reprieve from call craziness
5. sexy stalkers with oh so evil plans

tuesday

2011-08-23T10:53:00.004-05:00

2 things I LOVE today about being a grown up:
1: Yesterday I spent 75 bucks on a milk frother and rationalized it as a money saving purchase - home lattes here I come!
2: This morning I slept until 930 and patted myself on the back for being wise enough to catch up on some much needed sleep.

2 things I HATE today about being a grown up:
1: Making big money decisions.
2: MAKING BIG MONEY DECISIONS!

I think I'll go call my mommy.

patio,2

2011-06-17T14:43:00.003-05:00

And, although I may be slightly biased, it's my own personal opinion that everyone could use a little Amy as well;)

patio!

2011-04-12T09:40:00.000-05:00

Everyone needs a Clayton;)

one year later

2011-04-09T09:38:00.002-05:00

Still here. As is. Making me happy.

And making me feel like watching a little Jeopardy:)

friday's find

2011-04-02T13:45:00.002-05:00

Hope I'm not boring everyone with all the nesting going on here on Mayflower Drive. Just know that I'm only actually sharing a small portion of it! Found this great Chinese bowl at one of my favorite vintage places in Dallas. Only 15 dollars and I LOVE the color. Can't wait for our next dumpling marathon! Who's in? :)

and kisses

2011-03-20T08:56:00.003-05:00

Chicken pot pie is like a hug. ~ Adrienne Lipoma

sweet dreaming

2011-03-05T08:15:00.000-06:00

goodbye, darkness!

2011-02-17T14:45:00.005-06:00

The living room renovation is under way! Ok. So it's not so much a renovation as a redecoration. Whatever. Our new couch has been ordered - super comfy micro suede with a chaise! But because we're super fancy and didn't go with one of the stock colors, we're gonna have to wait a few months (MONTHS!) for it's arrival. And we're thinking about a distressed leather club chair for one of the corners but may wait until the couch is in place so we can be sure of sizing/fit. In the meantime, I took advantage of a drapery sale and picked up the organic cotton basket weave curtains I had been eyeing.

They let in so much more light but we'll have to be careful we don't over-neutral the room. Ya know? Clayton and I both agreed that we could bring in color with vibrant curtain tie-backs. And our house warming present from Grandma is a quilted throw with tons of great color variety. So I think the end result will be light and airy but not at all boring. Here's hoping!

When I asked Clayton if he had a color preference for the tie backs (I love it when he actually has an opinion!), he said - sheepishly - red. Why sheepishly? The dark and not-at-all-us curtains I just took down? Red. Yeah. But what my baby wants, my baby gets. With an amy twist, of course! One stop at our neighborhood vintage store later and a bunch of red 1960s skinny ties get repurposed as part of our new decor.

Today was such a good day:)

yeah, he's a keeper

2011-02-14T13:41:00.004-06:00

"Amy, I love you. I can't wait to see you tonight and I can't wait to keep seeing you day after day. I am hopelessly in love with you and think you are the bee's knees. Love, Clayton"

(So, so sorry my love! But you're just too cute/sweet/perfect not to share! I love you!!!!!!)

what's a little pity party between friends?

2011-02-09T19:18:00.002-06:00

So, that cranky cold I mentioned? Not so much a cold but still oh so very cranky.

I have otitis. An ear infection. Really. I'm a 33 y/o grown woman with an ear infection. It's not that I'm not fully aware that it is more than possible to have otitis as an adult. It just makes me feel like a kid again. And not in a good way. Ya know?

I had tons of problems with my ears growing up. But the last time I struggled with this was almost 15 years ago. I was 18 y/o and it was my senior prom. Woohoo. Even then I remember thinking that I was way too old for this crap. The drama ended with pain relief by way of an eardrum rupture the morning after prom. Double woohoo.

Never anticipated a repeater. I couldn't sleep at all last night. The pain was that bad. If there had been an object small enough to fit into my ear canal handy by my bedside, I may very well have done something drastic. I, after all, remember the sweet release of a good ol' hole to the tympanic membrane. Yep. That bad.

Got through the day with heavy doses of ibuprofen and tylenol along with the very sweet and accommodating Clayton by my side. When I got to work this afternoon I had one of my partners take a peak in my offending ear.

So, yeah. Otitis.

Woohoo. Woohoo. Woohoo.

Makes me miss my momma . . .

francais partie de diner

2011-02-08T08:43:00.005-06:00

just super, thanks

2011-02-08T08:13:00.003-06:00

today's happys (and not even 830 in the morning yet!):

1. drinking coffee in my pjs and my ridiculously comfortable and indulgent ugg-lies

2. an amazingly beautiful picture seen on a quick facebook stalk of my sweet Polly Liz and her sweet little girls

3. finding comfort through a cranky cold with one of Dad's old handkerchiefs

4. the promise of a semi-productive day at home before the trek into the hospital at 4 and a semi-productive evening at work

5. spontaneous amy smiles whenever clayton thoughts pop into my head

hump day

2011-01-26T08:36:00.003-06:00

It's day 5 of my 9 day January stay-ca. Which means I'm smack dab in the middle and ready for my mid-week evaluation. If I pass, more of the same! And if I fail? Operation: salvage what's left.

I can't even believe how heavenly it felt to sleep in on Saturday morning. I'd worked 12 days straight up to that point. 12 days of 515 am wake up calls. 12 days of brutally wearing shifts. 12 days of praying for bedtime. Friday night I was up way past that aforementioned bedtime. I sat for the Goodwin babies and while I loved every minute of cuddling with those sweet boys, oh wow did they wear me out. I think I fell asleep mid conversation with Clayton! But I woke the next morning feeling well rested and refreshed - at 830! Woohoo! Clayton woke shortly after and I started packing us up for our weekend road trip to see Erica and crew in the country. Meanwhile, my love was slaving away in the kitchen making us the most delicious send off breakfast. He custom made me an egg white scramble with grape tomatoes and feta cheese - yum! Sweet, sweet man:)

We took the back roads to Burnett, TX for our Williams Family visit. A 3 1/2 hour drive and I stayed awake for the entirety. Check me out! We chatted about randomness, sang along with the radio, and soaked up each other's company like sponges. Good stuff. On arrival, we were greeted with Erica's epic enthusiasm, Travis's dry sense of humor, and two ridiculously precious kids that I swear had doubled in size since our last visit. We spent the rest of the weekend catching up, exploring the farm, eating very well, and shaking off our city smell. That night Clayton and I snuck outside just before bed and appreciated a starry sky that did it's best to compete with our wintry Downtown Dallas view from our front porch. We left Sunday afternoon with promises to return this summer. And with dreams of raising our very own backyard chickens:)

Back home I quickly got to work on my Sunday night dinner contribution. I had decided to try my hand at an olive oil cake. I think the Meyer lemons, spelt flour, all organic ingredients, and heart healthiness of the olive oil more than made up for the amount of sugar the recipe called for;) It wasn't the prettiest of desserts (can't for the life of me figure out why it fell so much in the middle) but it was very tasty and very well received by the family.

Monday began with a nice sleep in followed by coffee drinking in my pjs. One of my most loved things:) Then I got to work. We have our next supper club this upcoming Saturday - French, at our house! - and I did some major menu planning. I also hard core cleaned and reorganized our kitchen including installing some more pull out cabinet drawers. I love my tools! A few shopping excursions later for new entertaining supplies and food for this week of dinners and I was beat. But pleasantly so. Some quality Clayton time and then the comfort of our bed to finish out my day.

Tuesday was similarly packed and busy. I started out with a marathon cooking session: my signature potato salad and a new attempt at slow cooked pulled pork for that night's dinner plus homemade marinara sauce for later in the week. Then a super fun trip to one of my favorite antique malls. Oh, the finds! Very simple and elegant French champagne flutes. A fantastic old wine carrier. Vintage hand blocked fabrics that are just begging to be made into pillow covers. Not to mention quite a few gifts for upcoming birthdays and even a few Christmas projects. Definitely a success! Dinner turned out well with the added bonus of LOTS of left overs;) After the subtitled Swedish movie version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo I was ready for slumber yet again.

And now today. So far it's just been more of the beloved pj and coffee combo. Hopeful plans for this afternoon with Autumn - she's got the cutest little baby bump that deserves some new clothes! Until then . . . is potato salad an accepted breakfast option?

on stay-ca

2011-01-24T10:20:00.002-06:00

Yesterday it was a Meyer lemon olive oil cake.

Today I'm feeling super ambitious and planning out the entire week.

A sample of my anticipated menu?

Yeast free pizza with arugala and toasted pine nuts for tomorrow night.

And for later in the week, I'm thinking of trying my hand at slow cooked pulled pork.

So, yeah. I'm kind of a rockstar.

muah!

2011-01-06T08:21:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday, baby! I love you:)

it's a wonderful life

2010-12-20T09:43:00.007-06:00

am blogging soundtrack: HC, Jr's When My Heart Finds Christmas
am blogging sustenance: Stonyfield Organic Greek yogurt

I'm a lucky girl.

No work today until 1pm. Woke up early and spent the hours so far making teeny tiny butter cookies that I will then lather with the most heavenly lemon glaze. After they cool and set, it's into some super retro jelly jars that I picked up on my last visit to the 'Burg. Then: tie 'em up with a pretty ribbon and spread some Christmas cheer!

After a (very) brief work day, I think I'll go out and pretend that I haven't been done with all my Christmas shopping for weeks . . . It happens every year. I'm all organized with game plan in mind sometime around my birthday. Then execution and the occasional small change in November. No wrapping until the tree is up after Thanksgiving. A few days of busy prep work. Then I just sit back and admire the bounty for the weeks preceding the big day. But now that we are firmly in Christmas week, I'm getting itchy! I kinda want to start all over!

Tonight we meet up with Clayton's parents at their favorite restaurant for tasty, tasty prime rib and Madrigal singers. Fun, right?! The annual family outing already took place but we missed it trying to get out of DC last weekend. So they took pity on us and tonight it's Lawry's: the sequel. Already salivating just a little:)

Tomorrow, another short work day - love me some pre-op clinic! - and then dinner and drinks with two of our favorite people, Brad and Lisa. Brad's birthday was last week so we're going to do a little combo celebration of both him and Baby Jesus. Yay!

Wednesday, a little bit longer of a work day but still likely to be ridiculously easy. And then, my Clayton Christmas. We're making a special dinner - rack of lamb with a creole mustard crust and a rosemary jous, lemony maple sweet potatoes, and fresh berries with cream for desert. We'll wake up Thursday morning, pretending it's Christmas, and tackle our stockings and previously mentioned under-the-tree-bounty. Our first Christmas in our new house. So sweet:)

The airport and Missouri follow. And then it's Haller Family Christmas and I can't WAIT! Sisters and smiles. Grandma and goodness. Parents and presents. Nieces. Nieces. NIECES!

Did I mention that I am one very lucky girl?

it's my party and I'll cry if I want to

2010-12-16T16:00:00.002-06:00

It's already Thursday and my vacation week is nearing it's end. It's been a great week filled with spa days, shopping, lunch dates, reading, good food, movies, and holiday spirit. And I have my fancy stay-cation with Clayton tonight and lots of Coby graduation festivities this weekend still yet to come. Very successful week off where I somehow managed to find that allusive perfect balance between relaxation and fun. But I'm a little on the sad side and don't have even half of a good reason for it. Problem. Solution: Sappy made-for-TV-Hallmark-channel Christmas movie here I come!

it's not over til it's over

2010-12-14T14:56:00.002-06:00

Listen
We don't call the shots here
We don't make the rules
We take what we get, get what we can
And it's learning the hard way
Here on the streets
You can't build a dream, without a plan

(Passion speaks) Let them hear you speak
(Play for keeps) They play to win, we play for keeps

Chorus: It's not over 'til it's over
It's not over 'til we get it right

The odds are against us
They say we don't stand a chance
But there's no giving up, no giving in
When push comes to shove
You got to fight for what you love
You do what you must, do what you can

(Passion speaks) Let them hear you speak
(Play for keeps) They play to win, we play for keeps

It's not over 'til it's over (It's not over)
It's not over 'til we get it right
It's not over 'til it's over (Don't go giving in)
It's not over 'til we get it right

The odds are against us
But you know we still stand a chance
But there's no giving up, no giving in
It's not over

It's not over 'til it's over
It's not over 'til we, 'til we, 'til we get it right
It's not over 'til it's over
It's not over 'til we, 'til we, 'til we get it right
It's not over 'til it's over
Don't go giving in now

Sometimes you find comfort in the darnedest things. Starship. Who knew?

it's a nice day to start again

2010-12-13T15:31:00.003-06:00

Natalie,

Hello dear, dear friend. It seems like forever since I last wrote to you. And even longer yet since the last time we got to chat. Most of that's my fault - the days just seem so full and they speed by so fast. But I guess I'll throw a little of the responsibility your way, too. If only you'd get over your need to live a hemisphere away!

Those busy days I mentioned most recently took us to some of your favored old stomping grounds. We spent the weekend in DC visiting our friend Carolyn for her birthday. Clayton hadn't been since he was a kid so everything seemed new to him. But even though I saw stuff I hadn't seen before, for me it was like one big memory rush. The springtime trip our junior year of college where a super grown up and sophisticated Nat showed me around her new home. The much, much colder New Year's return a few year's later when we drove through a snow storm to deliver your car to Virginia. Remember our drinking night at Old Glory in Georgetown? I walked by it Saturday night and couldn't believe we had ever been that young. And as I took a chilly look at the South Lawn of the White House, I recalled standing in almost the exact same place thinking how lonely the city looked right after 9-11. Clayton and I had a great time with great friends in a great city. But it made me miss you like crazy!

Speaking of Clayton, It's amazing to me that I have finally found my brown-haired boy (I upgraded from the brown eyes!) and you have yet to meet him. Remember all those late night talks, phone conversations, and emails where we dissected the male species and dreamt of who we would share our lives with? I think it was only a few years ago the last time we played MASH:) You always had a crush on someone new and I for so many years lived my crush life vicariously through you. Well this crush just ain't going away, Buggie. He's everything you could possibly want for me, everything I've ever wanted for myself. And I'm keeping him!

Work has been crazy. But isn't it always a little that way? Or, at least for me. But my priority rank for work has definitely changed over the last several years. And I have you to partially thank for that. I distinctly remember a conversation we had as we were driving through the Blue Ridge Mountains on a beautiful fall day. It was one of our birthday rendezvous adventures, I was about to turn 30. The week after that milestone I had to face some of the hardest decisions I'd ever been asked to make. And those decisions changed my life path forever. You were pretty harsh with me. And for the first time made me acknowledge that while I may have chosen medicine as my profession I didn't have to make it my life. It was a wake up call for me. And certainly helped me make my decision to leave Mansfield, take a sabbatical, and get my life back on track. So, in case I haven't said it previously, thank you:)

The holidays are upon us and I'm so looking forward to heading back to Missouri to spend them with the family. You wouldn't believe how big (and beautiful) the nieces are! Wanna know what I want for Christmas, Nat? To see your smiling face and hear your unmistakable laugh. To give my oldest friend the kind of hug that I reserve for my sisters. The kind of hug that feels a lot like home.

With love,
Amy

it's a good day to be alive

2010-12-09T15:55:00.004-06:00

Today's loves:

* mid-morning coffee break with Em

* wonderful little old ladies who tell me they don't know what they'd do without my "pretty, sweet face" smiling down on them each day

* organic beeswax chap stick

* Clayton getting home early from work and greeting me with smooches after a long day

* that super helpful wine guy at Whole Foods

* the smell of Nikki's homemade pesto

* leggings

* knowing there is just ONE more day to go in the Fall 2010 work marathon, vacation here I come!

it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2010-12-04T13:22:00.003-06:00

Well. Except for the stubbornly green grass and 70 degree weather;)

pass the thin mints

2010-11-24T13:47:00.004-06:00

I got asked twice - that's TWO times - today if I was preggers. Apparently I'm walking like I'm supporting a baby bump and my Wednesday clothing choice of tunic over jeans led people to assume that I was also trying to hide one. Just feeling a little fat and tired people, but thanks for playing.

Here's the real kicker: made me sad to set them straight.

I think Amy's got a little baby fever.

thanks giving

2010-11-23T10:19:00.006-06:00

I saw my first patient of the day at about 20 minutes after 6 this morning. He was still pretty sleepy and our conversation was reflective of that. As I was leaving the room he made a comment about a medicine I'd given him the day before for a specific complaint. He thanked me. Told me that he was feeling much better.

These words stopped me just feet from the door. And they moved me. Simple words of thanks for what I considered a minor assist when compared to the issues keeping this man in the hospital. And then, "God bless you, Doctor."

Um. What? Had I inadvertently taken a slide (I did it, Clayton! A Sliders reference in my blog!) into another dimension? A place where people not only acknowledged and appreciated acts, but also verbalized their appreciation? What a wonderful place! Of course, I quickly slid back to my old world. A place of anger, frustration, and entitlement. But I'm keeping my early morning memory of another, more wonderful, world and carrying it with me throughout the rest of today.

So thanks, Mr N. And may God bless you as well.

the trickiest man in the world

2010-11-22T12:56:00.006-06:00

Life has been busy. But not ridiculously busy. I try to remember the last 6 weeks and how I spent them and I just can't quite get there. Kind of like when you wake up hazy from a dream and try so hard to put all the details into focus.

I think my priorities are out of wack. I need to reexamine all the takers-up of my time and figure out where they need to be in my proverbial to do list.

Work. Haven't yet won the Power Ball (and that probably has very little to do with the fact that I haven't yet played the Power Ball) so this has to stay on the list. But maybe my time should be spent differently? Do I really need to get to the hospital every day at 6 am? I seem to have a lot of down time later in the day where I'm just waiting for the clock to strike 2 so I can make my exit. I'm definitely a morning person and so maybe this is really the best use of my time. The free hours in the late morning and early afternoon could be spent helping my partners or catching up on odds and ends, bills and blogs. Maybe I'll have to trial this one out . . .

Home. I enjoy cooking, enjoy preparing meals. Currently I try to plan out the week in food by Monday at the latest and hit up the grocery store. I like to try new things. And really love coming up with a menu, creating a presentation. And because I love it, I'll continue to do it. But maybe I'll only do it once a week. Maybe I'll let the rest of the week be covered by leftovers and the multitude of social engagements available to us. The ribbons and bows - flowers and place settings - aren't really desired (and thus not truly appreciated) by any one other than me. And even if I enjoy it, it's probably a cumulative drain that I need to consider cutting loose.

I need to read a book. I need to curl up in a big, comfy chair with a cup of tea and read a book.

I need to go for a walk. Ride a bike. I need to lace up my sneakers and explore my not quite new neighborhood while the air is crisp and the leaves are still valiantly clinging to their trees.

I need to call my Grandma. And my sisters. My nieces and my parents. I need to chat with them about the details of their lives and share with them the small moments of mine.

And I need to blog. I definitely need to blog.

playing catch up

2010-10-06T16:29:00.004-05:00

Um, where did September go?

So, the final outcome to our interrupted Championship game? Yeah. We're some winners. Again. And yours truly made a fine showing. Fall season, under way . . .

Work has been super crazy. That's all for now on that particular topic.

Had our happy, happy housewarming. It made it all seem more real, somehow. And it reminded me that I truly love having people in our home. So, locals come on out! And not so locals, come on out in a planned ahead/organized kind of way:) The guest room is officially open and ready for business!

Niece Ripley turned 2! Way to go little, bitty one! And she's rocking out her mid-toddler years with the most disgustingly cute pink and white checkered Vans thanks to her Aunt A and Uncle C:)

Made our way to SoCal for a wedding and did a few little side trips along the way. Beautiful weather and a beautiful bride. Not to mention, hot mineral springs and massages. Clayton and Casablanca. It was a great trip;)

Autumn (the season not the friend!) arrives in Dallas! The city weeps in gratitude!

And, here we are. The most wonderful month of the year.

OCTOBER WANTS:
1. pumpkins. lot's of pumpkins.
2. a stereotypically beautiful fall weekend in MO in a few days.
3. good family and friend time.
4. a "new" desk chair for the study.
5. nice 18 month mensiversary with Clayton.
6. fantastic costume idea that minimizes my booty.
7. one kick ass birthday.

a vision in green

2010-08-25T18:57:00.004-05:00

So. We had summer season kickball playoffs last night. The Go Go Gadget Balls of course rocked their way on through to the championship game. We were in the top of the 9th (second inning of "overtime") with 2 outs. No runners on. We'd just scored a run to put us ahead 3-2. And yours truly was up to kick. My adrenaline was pumping. Seriously pumping. I had a sudden vision of the most beautiful kick ever kicked. Well. By me anyway:) It would shoot just over the freakishly tall first base man's outstretched arms and land on that oh-so-happy side of the foul line. I'd run my over-excited little heart out. Straight down the chalk to the beautiful safety of the first base bag. I'd round the corner looking for an excuse to turn my super solid single into an ambitious double but would then ultimately decide to play it safe. My teammates would be so inspired that they in turn would offer up a few super solid singles. And then one of our big booted boys would bring us all in with an extremely well placed homer that had so far eluded us that night. We'd cushion up our advantage and when that final out came, we'd remind the other team that they were dealing with the defending champs and 3 up/3 down 'em. Perfection.

Instead, the lights went out.

Literally.

Look out Big Leballski. When we meet again next week to finish our game, look out.

;)

loving my wireless network

2010-08-24T08:27:00.003-05:00

Hello Tuesday morning!

I'm on float this week which translates into sleeping in and some good amy time before the drudgery of work creeps up on me in the afternoon. Yesterday morning was spent entirely in my pajamas. I wasn't feeling so great so I gave myself a few hours sans any degree of productivity. Today so far has only been slightly more lively. I got up when Clayton left for work. But only to make a pot of coffee and grab my lap top. Then it was back to bed to catch up on my email and get my daily fix of HGTV. Still in my pjs but feeling hopeful that this morning will have a little more weight to it.

Saturday is our next Supper Club. This month's theme is Italian (did I ever share pics from Moroccan night?) and I'm getting super excited. Clayton and I are in charge of the appetizer course and we're going all out. We've decided to do a bruschetta tasting. I think I mentioned in a recent post that I wanted to teach myself to bake Italian bread. Never got around to it on my week off but going to just wing it tomorrow or Thursday morning. Then we'll use the bread to make crostinis on Saturday for our bruschetta! We're also going to tackle homemade olive tapenade and possibly a fig jam. Woohoo! Our supper clubs are always very social and very fun. But I think my favorite part is the challenge I set for myself to try new things. To push the envelope a little. Makes me feel like I can attempt anything at least once:)

Whoa. Feeling a little energetic here as my 3rd cup of coffee is kicking in. I think I might put on real clothes. Maybe even leave the house. Or, something really crazy. I think I may go get a pedicure. And a manicure. Look out world!

goat cheese is good

2010-08-23T21:27:00.001-05:00

One of my very favorite things about cohabing with Clayton is making us dinner most nights. I love planning out our week. Trying out new recipes. Setting a casual but super comforting table. Even when it's ridiculously easy - as it often is - I feel accomplished. I feel settled. I feel love and I feel loved. I'm nesting, ya'll. And I am so diggin' it.

a happy, happy heart

2010-08-21T19:31:00.004-05:00

A fruitful day of organization does a girl so much good.

Love, love, love.

Thanks for the technical assistance, Pickle;)

myrtilles et peches, oh mon!

2010-08-15T17:20:00.003-05:00

We're burning down here in the Lone Star State. Burning. A single day with a high only in the double digits would be very much appreciated. Apparently it's coming our way soon. Promises, promises. In the meantime: needed a little reminder of the nicer side of a Texas summer. Local peaches and blueberries anyone?

times, they are a changin'

2010-08-08T17:25:00.003-05:00

Clayton's asleep in the other room. And I love that. Because a late afternoon nap is totally his prerogative as an official resident of our already much beloved home. Day 2 of cohabitation has been lovely. No other word could better describe it. Waking up late in our ridiculously comfortable bed, brunch with friends, and an easy afternoon spent on the couch watching movies. Lovely. And about to get lovelier still as I break from blogging to start the getting ready process for our celebration dinner. We're getting all dressed up for what promises to be a truly inspired meal at a new place we've been meaning to try. A great end to a week away from the grind and a great beginning to Clayton's and my evolving relationship as roomies. Good stuff;)

no white flags here

2010-08-06T09:51:00.003-05:00

Yesterday went to me. No question. Worried, however, that today might go the other way.

Off to a good me start with a very satisfying sleep in, freshly ground Oak Cliff roasted coffee, sweet iPod randomness, and no pressing need to change out of my pajamas. But up ahead there's a looming table delivery problem, anticipated hours spent packing up Clayton's apartment (cohabitation starts tomorrow!), a few separate feelings of obligation, and the unmistakable smell of a vacation week that's starting to get a little over ripe.

I think I'll take a happy stroll around my house, barefoot with a Donald Duck coffee mug in hand, and see if I can't find that pleased as punch feeling I was hoping for.

Afterall, I really am more of a no surrender kind of girl. Defeat just doesn't look that good on me.

marching forward

2010-08-05T09:12:00.005-05:00

Managed to win a few battles, but as my week off nears it's end I fear I may be losing the war.

Most of Monday I spent at the grocery store and prepping for a Southwest themed dinner party. The food - Southwestern sloppy joes, cilantro cole slaw, and potato salad made a little kicky with the addition of a few cayenne peppers - turned out perfectly in my modest opinion. I pushed my personal spicy envelope to cater to some of my guests and everyone seemed happy with the resultant heat. But the overall evening was frustrating. Really frustrating.

I love cooking for people, having them in my home, entertaining. I told everyone that we had to eat at 6 because Clayton and I had to leave the house at 730 to make a 8 pm kickball game. I thought I'd made myself perfectly clear. 1 person offered to bring stuff to make frozen margaritas - yay! Another wanted to bring guac, chips, etc for pre dinner munchies - double yay! Yet another was supposed to do dessert but opted out which was completely fine.

But what time do you think my guests arrived? Margaritas arrived at 6 on the dot and apologized profusely as she walked in the door because she realized that she had misunderstood the timing. I, however, was plating dinner as she came in and we were able to sit down to eat shortly after. No biggie. Dessert then walked in at 620 while I was finishing my sloppy joe. Chips and dip got there at 625.

I love all these people. I love what we usually do which is sit around for hours enjoying each other. Getting a little tipsy on the drink/cocktail of the day. Instead I had to kick them all out at 730 and leave my kitchen a mess because of all the screwed up timing. And I really, really hate that. I know that none of them were being intentionally inconsiderate. It just left a really bad taste in my mouth. It took away all the fun. Maybe realizing that it all meant more to me than it did to them? I had even put a little cactus arrangement on the dining room table and wore my chili pepper apron that my Grandma made me. I really got into it - I love a good theme! And the only one who noticed was Clayton. And he's a boy. A really good, sweet boy. But still a boy. It all felt a little like wasted time. Ya know?

Gotta move on.

We won our kickball game and went out to celebrate afterwards. I possibly took it a tad too far (people kept buying me shots) and Wednesday was basically a wash as I spent the majority of it in my bed.

But today I'm taking back my vacation. I'm headed out to buy myself a cup of coffee. And maybe some eggs. And then it's on to a movie. Maybe a little shopping. Dinner tonight with Clayton and friends. Greek. Greek always make me happy:)

Look out Thursday. I'm a girl on a mission.

at full alert

2010-08-02T09:45:00.003-05:00

I'm starting a little stay-cation action this morning. Work (and life in general) has just been ridiculously busy as of late. So the prospect of a week spent in whatever way I choose sounds like heaven. Of course, I've already got a list a mile long of stuff that really needs to get accomplished this week. And this mile-long list is at war with a much more modest list of wants:

I want to read a book while sipping homemade lemonade and laying on my brand new hammock.

I want to teach myself to bake bread for an upcoming Italian themed supper club later this month.

I want to go see a movie. All by myself.

And I want the time to walk around my house - just pleased as punch that it belongs to me.

I'll keep you updated on all the battle details!

promises,promises

2010-06-02T16:52:00.001-05:00

I swear I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. It's just this whole buying a house thing. It's kicking my ass. Seriously. Kicking my ASS.

tuesday night

2010-05-05T07:57:00.003-05:00

Something was a little funky with my whole wheat crust. Can't quite put my finger on it. But the farmer's market Italian sausage, my homemade marinara, and a semi-random blend of mozzarella and feta cheese? Spot on. Cooking is fun. Sometimes:)

"i gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"

2010-05-03T07:57:00.002-05:00

There was a brief few minutes of time yesterday when I was content. In a day filled with chaos and grating demands, I put pen to paper and communicated. And I was happy.

tgif

2010-04-30T16:27:00.003-05:00

I was all excited to make dinner and then I got unexcited in a hurry. Next I thought, how about I pre-make my pastry dough for the mixed berry empanadas I'm planning for Sunday night dinner? Didn't take long before I was over that one too. Considered running to the store and picking up some super easy fluff of a novel. Then I simply couldn't be bothered. Just answered a page from the hospital - I diagnosed an upper extremity DVT and want to start anticoagulation on a patient and ortho says "not on my watch." It would appear, fine followers, that I'm now officially in one bad mood.

NOLA

2010-04-26T22:07:00.007-05:00

Back almost 24 hours and I'm still beat-down exhausted. But I had such a good time. Amazing food. Excellent music. Super chill atmosphere. And I-can't-wait-until-they-move-back-to-Dallas friends. Happy anniversary, my love:)

(and thanks for the pictures, Brad!)

"Dallas is the new LA."

2010-04-19T14:16:00.003-05:00

Went to Austin this weekend with Clayton to catch up with his "tribe." I love that visualization:)

He has a wide network of friends that he's accumulated from high school and beyond. It's hard for me to keep track of how everyone fits into the mix - they all seem like they've known each other forever. They've scattered, as old friends tend to do. But there's still a few here in Dallas. A pretty decent collection in Austin. And an inexplicable focus in the Los Angeles area. I know he misses them - even the ones that stayed local seem to be MIA most of the time. So I'm super glad that he got reconnected.

But, it made me feel kind of ancient. Ya know?

Maybe I'll just pretend that 32 is the new 28;)

what is . . . ?

2010-04-09T11:47:00.001-05:00

This chair belonged to my paternal grandmother and it was one of three things that I chose to keep when she passed away when I was in college. I can still picture her sitting in it while she watched Jeopardy:)

For the last 6 plus years it's been sitting in a corner of my small apartment bedroom, covered by a floral sheet that (somewhat) coordinated with the rest of the room's decor. I uncovered it this morning to take a picture to send for an estimate from an area vintage furniture shop. As sort of a housewarming present to myself, I'd decided to get it reupholstered in a new, fun, modern fabric.

After I took the picture, I sat in it for a while and thought about my Grandma Rozelle. I think she would have loved me holding on to this chair but would have been all for me updating it in whatever way made me happy. Grandparents are great that way:)

You know what I think would make me most happy right now? Leaving it as is.

I think I'll give it a trial run here in my current place and see if I can picture it at home in my new home. The thing about new, fun, modern fabrics? There's always something new, fun, and modern around the corner. And for now I'm totally digging the retro, nostalgic feeling of it's orange and brown stripes.

It so makes me want to watch a little Jeopardy!

Miss you, Grandma . . .

absolutely gosh-wow

2010-04-09T09:37:00.002-05:00

Currently reading the following 4 books:

Little Bee by Chris Cleave
Stephen King's On Writing
David McCullough's Great Bridge
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon

I love having mornings off:)

mornin' world

2010-04-08T09:53:00.005-05:00

Slept in more than I should. Then upon waking moved from bed straight to couch with quilt in tow. Watched a bit of mindless TV in my favorite striped pajamas. Now caffeinating myself with a nice organic breakfast tea. In my beloved I NEED MY SPACE mug.

Let's roll, day. Let's roll.

50's Supper Club

2010-04-06T09:56:00.006-05:00

happy birthday little sister!

2010-04-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

ugg

2010-04-05T22:52:00.001-05:00

This is way, way harder than I thought it was going to be.

yeah, that'll work

2010-04-02T18:45:00.004-05:00

Is it just me, or is everyone else in the world ridiculously glad March is over?

That was one hell of a nasty month. Some highlights, for sure. But I think it's going to take all of April for me to truly recover.

Moving on . . .

During my junior year of high school I was on the debate team. I freakin' loved it. Our topic was immigration and my cross-x partner and I argued some ridiculous idea about letting in all the old Soviet nuclear scientists. We were saving the world from WW III!. I got to throw words like oblivion around as if I actually knew something other people didn't. I'm pretty sure my coach hated us, but we won pretty regularly. And when we were on the negative, look out. There wasn't anything I was better at than poking holes in someone else's logic. Unless it was word problems. Yeah, maybe I was better at word problems. Fully aware that I was something of a nerd. But, thanks.

Senior year was supposed to be more of the same. My partner had graduated, but I'd secured another. I was no longer designated a novice. I was ready. The topic came out and at first I was totally on board. My new partner and I actually started researching during the summer and we were pumped. Yes, still aware of the nerd factor. Again, thanks.

Debate quickly lost it's thrill however. And most of the blame lay with our topic. It just wasn't fun. And there weren't any good answers or solutions. So, I quit. Several weeks in, I said no to Debate and secured myself a lazy study hall instead. Best decision I made that fall by far.

The topic of that 95/96 debate year?

Health care.

God. I wish study hall was still an option.

taking it back

2010-03-31T09:35:00.002-05:00

Happy birthday Will!

pretty, pretty house

2010-03-29T23:19:00.001-05:00

blog soup

2010-03-29T08:30:00.004-05:00

am blogging soundtrack: Ingrid Michaelson's Girls and Boys am blogging moods: selfish and content am blogging attire: xl pink pj pants am blogging sustenance: super fat CM blueberry muffin and super tasty Mighty Leaf Organic Breakfast

It totally figures that the first morning in forever that I have the undeniable right to sleep in, my internal alarm clock went off just a little before 530. Damn Circadian rhythms.

Good news: I'm a rebel and I just turned over and went right back to sleep. 2 hours later . . .

So, as might have been gleaned from last night's post, I am well on my way to being a home owner. The house is beautiful and obviously meant to be mine. It was built in 1929, has a rock hard foundation, a few original galvanized steel pipes mixed in with updates, stunning hard wood floors, and a real (ie creepy) attic. I'm in love:)

Confession: I love singing Karaoke to The Way I Am and think I'll start trying harder to learn it on my mom's baritone ukulele.

Today my favorite patient is set to go home on Hospice. Yesterday I told him and his wife goodbye since I wasn't going to be there this morning. I told them it had been an honor to care for him and they told me it had been their blessing. Tears all around. They wished me luck with my young man and as I was leaving the room Mr Dignity added this with wet and shiny eyes: Does he cry? Never trust a man who doesn't have the ability to cry. You deserve better than that.

FYI: It turns out that the word anything isn't quite as empty as I thought.

Just a little bit of random everything thrown into a big copper pot.

Happy Monday:)

may flower

2010-03-28T22:49:00.004-05:00

Guess who's got a house under contract?

That's right.

I'm a such a big girl:)

full like a baked potato

2010-03-27T22:03:00.003-05:00

Today was a happy day.

Considering I woke up at 520 to be at work by six and saw 27 not-always-the-most-appreciative patients, that's saying a lot.

A nap post work. Arrival of Clayton. The gift of a book. Sunshine. Vintage clothing shopping for upcoming themed Supper Club. Truffle cheese bread and a beer at Eno's. Really decent latte at a new coffee shop in my hood. Nap number two. Brief and unsuccessful, but still somehow satisfying, social attempt at the Belmont. A plan B that led us to Central Market and delicious hummus. A full belly, a sweet boy, and the promise of a good night's sleep.

Yep. Pretty happy day.

It's just that they've been in sort of short supply lately. So I thought I'd better document it for posterity sake. I know. It's only a snapshot. But the thing is, this one might actually be frame-worthy.

more than words

2010-03-26T16:04:00.001-05:00

This is the extreme I need.

touched

2010-03-19T11:26:00.004-05:00

Earlier this week I was asked to see a patient in the preop holding area. His orthopedic surgeon was planning on taking him to the OR for a very extensive resection of his left femur. The anesthesiologist was nervous because he hadn't been cleared for surgery by anyone and he had some new EKG findings - won't bore you with the details. Long preamble short, they needed me to clear him.

The background story on this patient is that within the last month he was diagnosed with a chondrosarcoma (cartilage/bone tumor) in his left leg - hence the need for this resection. Just last week he was found to have ridiculous numbers of mets to his lungs. At the same time, they found out that he had multiple pulmonary emboli (blood clots in the lung) requiring high dose/long term blood thinners. Did I mention that he's a previous cancer survivor? Or that he happens to be one of the nicest men I've ever met in my life?

I went through the necessary steps to clear him for surgery and with each interaction grew more and more attached to him. Right before he went into surgery he thanked me for my "conscientious and compassionate care." He asked me if I was married and had a family of my own. When I told him that I wasn't married but did have someone special in my life, he told me to "tell him that he's a lucky man." And, of course, I did:)

He made it through surgery like a champ. His surgeon and I butted heads about what to do with his blood thinners - he wanted to decrease the dose significantly in an effort to minimize the postop bleeding risk and I was super hesitant to do so as it wouldn't be adequate treatment for his PEs. We finally agreed on full dose anti coagulation with a very short acting medication. We reasoned that if the undesirable happened, we'd turn it off and go from there.

Why is that those undesirable events always happen to the least deserving people?

Today we had a long, and very emotional, talk about our options. We came up with a less than ideal plan in an effort to save his leg. And we talked about his life and what he had left of it. As I was leaving the room he stopped me and asked, "How did your young man respond to me saying that he had himself a really good deal?" I assured him that it was well-received and he had adamantly agreed. With a simple, "Good" he closed his eyes and I left the room.

I won't ever forget this true gentleman and the dignity with which it is evident he has lived his life. Or the dignity with which he has started the process of leaving it.

spring has sprung

2010-03-16T17:59:00.004-05:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks. An emotionally and physically exhausting couple of weeks. These past 10 days have been filled with some of the lowest points of my life. But also, blessedly, with some of the highest.

The first week in March I was able to stay sane because of the amazing friends and family I have the pleasure of sharing my life with. I was able to go to work each day. Able to see people socially. Able to write about related (read: heartbreakingly serious) and non related (read: frivolous warm fuzzy) things. Able to still be me.

I lost me for a little while after that. And while the same amazing friends and family were still right by my side, there was a big ol' hole in my heart.

A boy sized hole.

A Clayton sized hole.

Late last week I made a choice. And I hope with everything that I am that I made the right one. Every day since, I've reaffirmed that choice. And I've been happy. Scared and more than a little bit of a doubter. But, happy.

Clayton: I choose you. And I'm going to keep right on choosing you. For at least the next 74 plus years. After that? Things are so up for renegotiation:)

friday

2010-03-05T23:57:00.000-06:00

Exhausted.

thursday

2010-03-04T13:33:00.004-06:00

Time for a distraction.

A notice from vitals.com came over our office fax this week. Apparently a prior patient of mine "rated" me and the care I provided. Here's what they had to say:

Dr. Haller is amazing and a life saver! Her personality matches her skills and good looks! She is calm, compassionate, brilliant, sweet, and so great at what she does. Anyone would be lucky to have her as their doctor. I'm glad I am!

Well. At least there are some intelligent people in this world;)

wednesday

2010-03-03T23:16:00.002-06:00

Pseudo-random guy: Where's your boyfriend tonight?

Me: Uhhhhhh. He's, uh, somewhere else.

Pseudo-random guy: Oh. I thought you might not be together anymore.

Oh-my-gosh-the-most-awkward-silence-EVER.

Pseudo-random guy: Well. He seemed nice.

God. I hate this.

tuesday

2010-03-02T16:28:00.004-06:00

Today seemed like it was going the right way. It's just amazing how everything can change so quickly.

monday

2010-03-01T15:30:00.003-06:00

This morning I thought the world was angry as piss at me. You ever get the feeling that, seriously, the world wants you to suffer? That's how I felt this morning. There is just so much going on in my life and I am beyond stressed out. I actually patted myself on the back yesterday for how well I was holding it all together. I was shocked that I didn't have a major breakdown. I did have to unload on my (amazing) sisters more than once. But, otherwise, I did the zen thing and made it through most of the day. Killer headache snuck up on me towards the end and my bed was like a much anticipated cocoon when I finally made it between my freshly laundered sheets. Then this morning, WHAM. And not the band.

I felt like my world was just disintegrating around me.

I was so unbent that I actually posted something real on my facebook status. I rarely give people that kind of access to emotions or feelings that are indicative of anything other than I've got everything under control.

I prayed so hard to God on the drive into work today. Asking for strength, begging for peace. And I cried huge tears the entire time.

This is what I know:

God puts people in your life that can give you comfort without actually knowing that you require it. And I work with some of those people.

My family has no comparison. They support and love like no others. And I'm blessed by them daily.

I have some of the most incredible people on the planet as friends. And I wouldn't trade a single one of them for all the life perfection I could handle.

God listens to our prayers. And sometimes, sometimes he answers them.

pura vida

2010-02-27T08:32:00.009-06:00

COSTA RICA part 2
Most of our days were spent in lazy bliss.

Wake up whenever we felt so compelled. Throw on the bathing suit/cover up combo de jour. Let Roberto make me an omelet. Carve out the perfect poolside spot - not too much sun for me, not too much shade for him. Secure first fruity beverage of the day. Transition to beer for sustainability purposes. Read. People watch. Nap. Listen to music. People watch some more. Visit the beach for either a) walk along the shore or b) Lilly/Flora massage. Ok. And c) more people watching. Then more fruity drinks. Lunch at some point. Lots of smooches. Look for Howler monkeys in the trees. Change into something pretty for dinner (me). Take another nap (him). Food. More drinks. Another walk on the beach. Again with the smooches. Bedtime.

Like I said. Lazy bliss.

"Look, there's a band!"

2010-02-27T08:29:00.002-06:00

Cosi Fan Tutte. My first opera. I am seriously in love with the whole experience. And the new Winspear here in Dallas is a must see - truly. Thanks, Clayton:)

getting there

2010-02-25T08:53:00.012-06:00

COSTA RICA part 1

We set an alarm for 330 to make our 600 flight. I'm just never quite sure how early morning at the airport's gonna go. Know what I mean? Will it be super quick because no one is there? Or will it be ridiculously slow because no one is there?

(Made it with enough time to enjoy a super greasy McDonald's breakfast prior to boarding.)

Then there's the attire dilemma whenever departing and arriving in places with completely different climate situations. Freeze on the mad dash from car to airport? Or sweat through layers of clothes upon arrival to open air tropical airport?

(Ended up doing a little bit of both.)

Upon check in: no first class upgrade for us. Damn that Clayton and his non-elite status. If he weren't so cute with his "I never sleep on planes" declarations just prior to zonking out on said planes, I'd consider looking elsewhere.

[Just kidding, my love;)]

To Miami and the Eastern time zone. Then back to Central time and Liberia, Costa Rica.

(Did I ever mention how ridiculously pleased I was with our travel agent? Huh. That's weird.)

Customs at a - really small - foreign airport. Followed by the confusion of locating our previously arranged transport. Then a bouncy trip along Costa Rican country roads through the dry, dry Guanacaste region. Good times. A lot of good time.

(We saw our 12 hour travel mark come and go.)

But then, on arrival -

(wait for it)

Rum punch, an incredible breeze, and the ocean.

Yeah. That's the stuff.

back in the big d

2010-02-22T09:43:00.000-06:00

Today's joy: waking up in my own bed.

Costa Rica details coming soon!

not for the faint of heart

2010-02-10T12:38:00.005-06:00

*Disclaimer: the following post may very well have information about me that you really could have lived your life without knowing. Just thought I'd give you a heads up!*

I am 32 years old and had never had a bikini wax.

There, I admit it. It just never seemed to me like a) a necessary evil or b) worthy of my time and money. Some additional background: I hate shaving my legs. Really, really hate it. Especially in the winter when my skin is so ridiculously dry. Clayton and I are going to Costa Rica next week and I decided a month or so ago that maybe I'd give waxing a try so I wouldn't have to worry about shaving while on our vacation. Thought that since I had already committed to a certain level of discomfort, I'd go for the whole shebang. Well. Not the whole shebang:)

Went to see Annie (my much beloved facialist) this morning to do the deed. In a lot of ways it was not nearly as bad as I had feared. Annie and I chatted pretty much the entire time about lots of random things and it worked perfectly as a distraction. Most of it honestly wasn't that painful. Not pleasant by any means. But not exactly painful either.

As she was finishing up what I thought was my bikini area, I considered myself home free. Then the fated words "now I'll start the bikini line." Um, sorry? Where the hell were you before? When I booked this appointment last month, the receptionist was very clear with me about my bikini wax options and I -with a rare certainty- chose the most modest, least invasive style.

Holy moly. Annie and I now have a completely different relationship. Wowzers.

Yeah, you read that right.

Wowzers.

feeling hopeful

2010-02-09T12:57:00.001-06:00

Umm, Spring? Remember that talk we had a while back?

the big chill

2010-02-09T03:55:00.003-06:00

I'd like to blame my post-dinner coffee. But I know that poor little cup of caffeine doesn't deserve it. Falling asleep wasn't an issue. It's the staying asleep that turned out to be a problem. Up for three hours now and just can't get my brain to turn off.

A while ago someone fed me a line about being perfect, inquiring about any hidden faults. (I know, I know. Where to begin, right?) I responded that I have really, really high expectations. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of him. But it's unfortunately very true.

I alternate between feeling these expectations are legitimate and feeling guilty that I want and/or need so much. I'm not sure how one knows whether or not their expectations are fair. How you're supposed to know when it's all too much. Is it only too much when expectations aren't met? When someone fails you? Is it ok to have just about any expectation as long as it's verbalized? Or is any expectation you have of someone other than yourself just a big set-up for disappointment? I used to think it was ok to expect a lot from people because I never expected anything of someone that I didn't also expect from myself. Is that selfish? Self-centered? Naive? Just plain wrong?

I once read something about the difference between having expectations and being expectant. I think I even tried to blog about it but couldn't quite get my head around it. At the time, I wondered if this wasn't the answer to all my problems. The sure fire way to weed disappointment from my life. If you never have expectations from people or situations, those people and situations can't fail you. Can't hurt you.

Why does even the idea of that just sound so cold and lonely?

good UOP and just 9 more minutes . . .

2010-02-04T13:00:00.004-06:00

Still not completely back to baseline in the health department but feeling much, much better. Actually managed to make it to the gym on Tuesday and planning a repeat when I get off work this afternoon. Got back on track with my December and January habits and my February habits are off to an ok start.

Bad Habit: snoozing. Good Habit: H2O. I'll expound.

I'm a snoozer. I average 4-5 snoozes a morning which accounts for 36 to 45 extra minutes each day. The problem is that I set my alarm based on the habit. You know what I mean? I'm super speedy getting ready for work in the morning - gotta love scrubs! - and I usually only need a total of 45 minutes from bed to office. I get to work at 6:30, indicating the need for a 5:45 wake time. But I was setting my alarm for 5:15. And it's 10 min fast. See the problem? I mean, let's face it. Snooze sleep is shitty sleep. Right? So this month I've reset my alarm clock for 5:45. It's still 10 minutes fast which allows for a single snooze if desperately needed or a little extra time in the office preparing for my day. So far, so good.

And on to the water. Gave up pop back in December and have drastically cut back on my coffee addiction. But I never really replaced that previous intake with anything. I was getting really dehydrated! I swear I actually did go to med school. So now drinking almost ridiculous amounts of water. Trying for 8 glasses a day on average. I still feel dry (damn this winter) but have started to reclaim a more normal micturition schedule. Good job, me:)

get those housewarming gifts ready

2010-01-30T08:46:00.004-06:00

am blogging sustenance: Mighty Leaf Organic Breakfast Tea
am blogging soundtrack: HGTV's Holmes on Homes (Yeah. I know.)

Have an extremely busy day of brunch, massages, and possibly a movie planned. Not quite sure how I'll make it through:) But, seriously? Just trying to take it super easy while making it out into the world at the same time. Suspect that so much time off my couch will leave me exhausted by mid-afternoon. I hate being sick. Even the recovery time sucks. Which is why I'm reentering life with a few of my favorite things:)

As you might have gathered from my choice of blogging soundtrack above, I have a new addiction and it is called HGTV. This has slowly become my go-to channel when looking for a way to pass a random available hour. But over the past 48 hours it's become so much more. Even I can't sleep for 18 hours a day. So my sick days included a lot of cuddling up on my couch with my favorite flannel pajamas, a big mug of tea, one of Grandma's quilts, and the priceless advice of some of my new best friends.

Mike Holmes taught me how to build a garage and renovate a basement, the right way. Sandra Rinomato has loaded me up with tons of helpful hints for buying my first home. Jamie Durie makes me want my own outdoor living space so badly it hurts. And David Bromstad has given me some wild ideas on color. They've been great. They're been entertaining. I guess what they've really been is inspiring.

So. You're reading it here first, folks. I'm going on a house hunt. And I can't wait:)

now, about that hero I mentioned . . .

2010-01-29T12:39:00.005-06:00

I'm sure he'll find this at least a little embarrassing, but I'm banking on him forgetting about the existence of my humble little blog. I just got the following email from Clayton:

Dearest Amy,
I hope your day is going well and you didn't drown in your sleep; but got tons of good reparative zzz's. I love you and can't wait to see you tonight. If you are still feeling sick, I don't think I'll sleep over, just so I don't get sick/keep you up/have you keep me up, but in the morning call me when you wake up and I'll head over to you so either we can get breakfast or I'll bring it to you. I brought the cold and sinus balm that you got me to work, so I can head straight from here to you and rub you down.
Very Much in Love,
Clayton

I'm a very lucky -although still a little on the snotty side- girl:)

cabin fever

2010-01-29T12:00:00.003-06:00

It's cold and rainy and I feel like crap. Welcome to my pity party. Can I get you a drink?

Went home early from work today for the second day in a row. I'm such a slacker. My partners have been great, letting me cut out early after I've seen all my peops. And how do I thank them? By leaving lots of amy's-sick cooties in my wake. Nice, huh? I think they were all just really thankful that I made it in each morning to see my share of our 120 plus patients before crying uncle. Wondering if my patients are feeling that same level of appreciation . . .

Was supposed to road trip to Houston this weekend for TC's baby shower. Now that's out and I feel terrible about missing the opportunity to see Leticia and her baby bump. But there's no way I'm letting little Mexi-melt be exposed to my current brand of nasty:(

Feeling miserable but also extremely antsy. Just going a little stir crazy, ya know? Counting on Clayton rescuing me from myself when he gets off work tonight. My hero:)

My good habits have been suffering this week while I've been sick. Really hard to convince yourself that 50 crunches are necessary when you're hacking up a lung. Hoping that I can get back on track soon . . . Still haven't decided what to add in for February.

Wow. This was all a little depressing. Should have offered you guys a double.

buliding a negotiation

2010-01-19T14:01:00.004-06:00

Last week Clayton and I had a fight. Well, several in fact. We're better than ever now and - while very important at the time - the details aren't all that relevant to the purpose of this post. These fights were long distant as I'd made the trek to central Florida to check in on little sister Sarah. While wasting time at the Orlando Airport prior to my flight back to Texas, I found a book. A really, really great book.

Why Him? Why Her? is written by Helen Fisher and it's enlightening. Seriously. It places people in 4 primary personality groups and sort of dissects who and how each of the groups love. Some of it is a little on the cheesy side but other parts are very nearly inspiring. For me, the worth of the book can be summed up by this: Instead of asking Clayton to analyze with me every small nuance of our fight - which is the way I usually roll - I just came home and told him I loved him. And we were both more than ok with that.

come on spring, come the hell on

2010-01-11T07:53:00.001-06:00

l'amour de ma vie

2010-01-07T09:07:00.006-06:00

am blogging soundtrack: the sweet randomness of my iPod
am blogging sustenance: a ten-cup pot of Allegro Celebration Caffe

All the trappings were in place. We were both wearing finery reserved for special occasions. Finery so reserved that this was actually only the second time I'd seen him in a suit. To compliment, I had donned my favorite Audrey Hepburn-inspired LBD. We had chosen a locale very appropriate for a celebration. Fancy French food with a tuxedoed wait staff. There was a champagne cart. A palate-cleansing egg custard courtesy of our chef. Exquisitely prepared rabbit. Beautiful lamb chops and Paris-worthy duck. And, of course, goat cheese. Eventually, a dark chocolate bomb with pear and passion fruit. A vintage port. All accompanied by the most attentive yet discrete service possible.

My favorite part about all of it? Great conversation with an incredible man. Conversation that would have been just as fun and stimulating if we'd decided to celebrate with burgers and beer instead of confit and champagne. Equally at home at both Angry Dog and Aurora. Don't get me wrong, the trappings were nice. Very, very nice. But at the end of the day, all I really need is that great conversation with that incredible man.

how do you like them apples?

2009-12-27T13:49:00.003-06:00

This year instead of making a bunch of new year resolutions that overwhelm me to the point that I ultimately decide they are actually detrimental to my health, I've decided to add one good habit and take away one bad each month. They will be small things that are more easily accomplished. But, by the end of the year I'll be one ridiculously healthy Amy!

As a trial, I started early at the beginning of this month. I have stopped drinking pop (take away one bad habit) and started flossing my teeth each and every day (and add a good one!). I've been doing really, really well. No slip-ups so far! Still find myself reaching for a Coke Zero every once and a while but never actually succumb. And sometimes I have to get back out of bed at night because I forgot to floss when I brushed my teeth before going to sleep. But I always do it!

I think for January I'm going to take away multi-ingredient snacking (leaving only fruits, nuts, veggies, etc as an option) and add in daily sit ups/crunches. And of course this will be in addition to my December habits. Might actually get a bit of a jump start on those starting tomorrow. Already too late on the snacking thing today. Hey, give me a break. I'm on call:)

hole in one

2009-12-21T11:05:00.006-06:00

I've got a kind of "where I've been and where I'm going" blog running through my head that I hope to be able to get down sometime before the new year. Until then, thought I'd share a few pics from the weekend. We did Bar Golf for my friend Carolyn's 30th birthday. Gotta say, I'm pretty impressed with myself:)

mele kalikimaka

2009-12-18T09:14:00.003-06:00

am blogging sustenance: allegro mocha java coffee
am blogging soundtrack: random Christmas mix

I cannot believe that it's Friday. Where has my week off gone?

Monday was a loss most of the day until Tara dragged me out of the house for a pedicure. I was just in kind of a funk, you know? Fairly late in the evening I did get motivated and finished some Christmas projects for my nieces. Stayed up way past my bedtime . . .

Tuesday begin significantly earlier than was expected or desired. Was awakened by a phone (distress) call from one of my partners begging for coverage at work. I went in but grumbled my way through the day. Got done at a decent time however and finished up some holiday chores. Had an early dinner with Clayton before we headed out for our final kickball game of the season. Was planning on a quick (and cold!) game, possibly a drink out with the team, then home for bed. Turns out we won that game. And the next. Somehow, we found ourselves in the championship game! Ended up with a hard earned second place status that deserved an appropriate celebration. Those jager shots seemed like such a good idea at the time . . .

Wednesday morning I was hungover. Not surprisingly. It would have been a fantastic day to simply laze the hours away in bed. Unfortunately I was packed full of obligations. Had a meeting at work that would have given me a headache even if the jager hadn't. Then ran into traffic up to Flower Mound that just rammed that headache on home. Some cousin time, mildly greasy tex mex, and then later an opportunity to cuddle with Clayton on his couch rounded out my day. I was so tired that I almost fell asleep watching Fast & Furious on blu-ray . . .

Thursday started of with a much needed Annie facial. Quickly followed by a trip to Clayton's parent's house for some good baby time with his nieces. I got to spend the whole afternoon and evening with them - such sweet girls. But. I don't think it would be traitorous to mention that when sleep finally came last night, it came really hard . . .

So here I am, struggling with the fact that my week is gone. So many things I'd hoped to accomplish. So many more hours I'd hoped to spend in my bed. Tomorrow is C's 30th birthday party and I have SO much I need to do to get ready for it. I have lots of little projects half-finished for Christmas. My apartment is a disaster. The inspection on my Jeep is overdue. My muscles - all my muscles - still hurt from the kickball marathon earlier in the week. Want nothing more than to stay in my pajamas and work my way through a pot of coffee while reading some fluffy novel. Oh well, *big sigh*. Maybe my next week off . . .

j is for . . .

2009-12-14T23:57:00.002-06:00

r is for . . .

2009-12-14T21:49:00.003-06:00

all I want for Christmas. . .

2009-12-04T15:58:00.002-06:00

How ridiculously cute is this?!?

in season . . .

2009-12-03T15:44:00.000-06:00

kangaruby

2009-12-01T22:46:00.003-06:00

Busy, busy days. But life is good. Kinda ridiculously good, actually. I am a very blessed Amy:)

m is for . . .

2009-11-21T19:16:00.002-06:00

eternal return and burning leaves

2009-11-15T10:11:00.001-06:00

This is one super extreme roller coaster.

AmBrosius

2009-11-13T12:04:00.002-06:00

Another amazing dinner with friends yesterday. The topics of conversation ranged from "what happens to the size of your foot as you age, have babies, etc . . . ?" to the Spanish siesta influence on the people of the Dominican Republic. Good times, great conversation, and truly inspired food. Perfect. Made even more so by the man I love and his ability to embrace any social situation. Even an accidental girl's night:)

gathering apples

2009-11-12T18:14:00.002-06:00

This morning I spent nearly an hour trying to perfect a champagne vinaigrette to accompany a salad I'm making for dinner tomorrow night. Several weeks ago, Clayton and I tried a new Italian restaurant in his neck of the woods. The salad special for the evening was this beautiful tomato, mozzarella, and crouton deliciousness served on a big, fat pile of basal. When selling us on this starter, our waiter described the dressing as a champagne vinaigrette. I can't recreate it! My version is definitely tasty but not what I was aiming for. My homemade croutons are perfect. I found the prettiest assortment of yellow and red, grape and cherry tomatoes. And you really can't go wrong with little balls of mozzarella. But this damn dressing has alluded me!!!!! Maybe my final product will out-perform the original inspiration. But, gotta admit. I'm a little bit of a doubter. Stay tuned . . .

In other food news, trying out a new chocolate icing recipe to go with the cake I'm taking for the same soiree. Look at me - little Miss Suzie-Homemaker 2009!

Further sustenance talk: anybody out there ever try home roasting their own coffee beans?

what a year for a new year

2009-11-09T09:37:00.008-06:00

am blogging soundtrack: Christmas music (because it makes me happy and I need happy)
am blogging sustenance: Coke Zero (a caffeine placeholder until I make it to Starbucks)

I've had a very introspective morning thus far. My brain would not shut off last night and sleep came very, very slowly. When it did, it was filled with cryptic and vaguely uncomfortable dreams. I'm not going to even attempt interpretation for 2 reasons. First, I suck at it. Second, I know they were simply a reflection of my mind set last night when I crawled into bed.

Been thinking a lot lately about how one gets their sense of self. I feel like it's a combination of outside influences or opinion and how comfortable one is in their own skin. Think that's accurate?

Not too long ago, someone who's opinion I care about told me I wasn't fun anymore. The circumstances surrounding this declaration are complicated and involved and I don't think ultimately that vital to this discussion. I know there was emotion behind this statement and I also know that there was a hope that by telling me this I would change a certain behavior. Knowing these things didn't really take the sting out of the words. But I tried to keep it all in perspective and move on.

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend some brief, but quality, time with wonderful friends who definitely fall into the family category. We had a long awaited happy hour reunion that spanned nearly an entire day and resulted in a very pleasant intoxication;) Some of these woman I see on a regular basis and one I haven't seen in 6 months. It didn't matter. Time melted away. We got to that weepy place we sometimes get to when we've been drinking where you're almost overwhelmed with the love you have for your friends. We talked about how fabulous each of us are and how lucky we are to have one another as friends. Very, very warm and fuzzy:)

It seems that over the past week I've had a variety of interactions with mostly random individuals whose opinion of me has been of similar extremes. I've been paid on-the-fly compliments on a new pair of boots as I was walking down the hallway. A patient that I interacted with for 30 minutes on a cross-cover call verbalized to her orthopedic surgeon that she didn't care for me. Another patient that I cared for more than 6 months ago caught me in the ER one evening and was so pleased to see me that she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

All of this effects how I feel about myself on a day-to-day basis. I certainly try to attach the appropriate amount of importance on each interaction. Sometimes it's hard. That orthopedic consult from last week on float? She's loony and I honestly didn't enjoy one second of our conversation. However, it still bothered me today when the message about how she felt about me was passed on through the grapevine. And it shouldn't matter that a stranger appreciates my sense of fashion. But you know it made me smile:)

I know myself. I know I'm interesting. I know I'm cute with a fun sense of style. I know I'm a genuinely nice person who takes excellent care of her patients. I know all of this. And, yet. I wish single individuals weren't capable of poking holes in my confidence. Of turning a good day bad. On the other hand, I love that the kindness of a person I've never met before and likely won't see again can make my day. That the appreciation of a valued friend for just being me warms my heart and makes me wanna be even better. Makes me want to be more.

I think I just came full circle without actually figuring anything out.

I hate that.

sweet plantains

2009-11-04T22:38:00.003-06:00

I had dinner tonight with three really great women. They are each of them beautiful, intelligent, warm, and ridiculous amounts of fun. And I love, love, LOVE the time I get to spend with them. I almost always after seeing them have the fleeting thought "I want to be exactly like them when I grow up!"

I just last week celebrated my 32ND birthday. That grown up thing? I wonder when that's gonna happen.

from Jacelynn . . .

2009-11-01T17:03:00.002-06:00

birthday day 2

2009-10-29T22:17:00.003-05:00

I had a really, really great birthday. I decided to make the day my own this year. I didn't rely on any outside sources - took complete responsibility. Started off with a pre-birthday weekend in MO. Needed a little twin time:) And did the whole Clayton-meets-the-parents thing while I was at it! On the actual day, booked myself the works at my favorite spa and it was so worth the price. Told Clayton that all I wanted for my birthday was a fabulous dinner out with him and he more than came through:) Ended a lazy post-birthday day with him by hanging out with a few of my favorite girls for mani/pedis and margaritas. The perfect way to celebrate the big 3 - 2! An added bonus: Brian (my mani-pedicurest) insisted that I was born into luck. The 7-7 birth year coupled with my "snake" status mean good things are coming my way. He was a little more specific (made me blush!) but we'll see what happens:)

bwahahahaha, excellent.

2009-10-26T13:05:00.002-05:00

Clayton leaves his mark on Missouri . . .

eye of the tiger

2009-10-18T16:25:00.004-05:00

getting pumped up for Komen and a little Cowboys tailgating bonus:)

Susan G Komen

2009-10-18T16:03:00.002-05:00

race for the cure 2009

all our fellow racers!

Laura, Karen, and Clayton

can't beat a little girl time . . .

2009-10-17T17:56:00.000-05:00

Autumn, Laura, me, and Polly Liz

at least this is deletable

2009-10-11T16:32:00.003-05:00

I just don't understand people. I don't understand their thought processes. Their motivations. Truly. I've rarely been more confused by the people around me than I am right this minute. And it's very isolating. Makes me feel lost and very unsure. I hate this feeling. Hate it. But never quite sure how to get rid of it. I almost always feel better when I'm able to talk through stuff. When I get the opportunity to express my feelings or to clarify someone elses. But I don't think everyone else feels that way. Or, at least, that's been my unfortunate experience. Just not sure where to go from here. Trying to work things out in my head a little more before I let loose. I don't want to speak up for the wrong reasons. Ya know?

the proof's in the pudding

2009-10-04T16:31:00.004-05:00

Made a spice cake with cinnamon cream cheese icing today. Did the whole amped-up cake mix thing and then made the icing from scratch with my much beloved new Kitchen Aid mixer. I don't have a cake carrier anymore (Sarah Jo!), so not exactly sure how I'm going to transport it to Clayton's parent's house here in a few minutes. I put it on Grandma Haller's Bridal Rose platter and it just looks so sweet and pretty. Fairly confident that it won't be nearly as presentable after my trek up north and there's nobody here to admire it's perfection with me. So I took pictures! Go ahead. Ooh. Awe. Be appropriately impressed:)