what a year for a new year

am blogging soundtrack: Christmas music (because it makes me happy and I need happy)
am blogging sustenance: Coke Zero (a caffeine placeholder until I make it to Starbucks)

I've had a very introspective morning thus far. My brain would not shut off last night and sleep came very, very slowly. When it did, it was filled with cryptic and vaguely uncomfortable dreams. I'm not going to even attempt interpretation for 2 reasons. First, I suck at it. Second, I know they were simply a reflection of my mind set last night when I crawled into bed.

Been thinking a lot lately about how one gets their sense of self. I feel like it's a combination of outside influences or opinion and how comfortable one is in their own skin. Think that's accurate?

Not too long ago, someone who's opinion I care about told me I wasn't fun anymore. The circumstances surrounding this declaration are complicated and involved and I don't think ultimately that vital to this discussion. I know there was emotion behind this statement and I also know that there was a hope that by telling me this I would change a certain behavior. Knowing these things didn't really take the sting out of the words. But I tried to keep it all in perspective and move on.

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend some brief, but quality, time with wonderful friends who definitely fall into the family category. We had a long awaited happy hour reunion that spanned nearly an entire day and resulted in a very pleasant intoxication;) Some of these woman I see on a regular basis and one I haven't seen in 6 months. It didn't matter. Time melted away. We got to that weepy place we sometimes get to when we've been drinking where you're almost overwhelmed with the love you have for your friends. We talked about how fabulous each of us are and how lucky we are to have one another as friends. Very, very warm and fuzzy:)

It seems that over the past week I've had a variety of interactions with mostly random individuals whose opinion of me has been of similar extremes. I've been paid on-the-fly compliments on a new pair of boots as I was walking down the hallway. A patient that I interacted with for 30 minutes on a cross-cover call verbalized to her orthopedic surgeon that she didn't care for me. Another patient that I cared for more than 6 months ago caught me in the ER one evening and was so pleased to see me that she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

All of this effects how I feel about myself on a day-to-day basis. I certainly try to attach the appropriate amount of importance on each interaction. Sometimes it's hard. That orthopedic consult from last week on float? She's loony and I honestly didn't enjoy one second of our conversation. However, it still bothered me today when the message about how she felt about me was passed on through the grapevine. And it shouldn't matter that a stranger appreciates my sense of fashion. But you know it made me smile:)

I know myself. I know I'm interesting. I know I'm cute with a fun sense of style. I know I'm a genuinely nice person who takes excellent care of her patients. I know all of this. And, yet. I wish single individuals weren't capable of poking holes in my confidence. Of turning a good day bad. On the other hand, I love that the kindness of a person I've never met before and likely won't see again can make my day. That the appreciation of a valued friend for just being me warms my heart and makes me wanna be even better. Makes me want to be more.

I think I just came full circle without actually figuring anything out.

I hate that.