the big chill

I'd like to blame my post-dinner coffee. But I know that poor little cup of caffeine doesn't deserve it. Falling asleep wasn't an issue. It's the staying asleep that turned out to be a problem. Up for three hours now and just can't get my brain to turn off.

A while ago someone fed me a line about being perfect, inquiring about any hidden faults. (I know, I know. Where to begin, right?) I responded that I have really, really high expectations. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of him. But it's unfortunately very true.

I alternate between feeling these expectations are legitimate and feeling guilty that I want and/or need so much. I'm not sure how one knows whether or not their expectations are fair. How you're supposed to know when it's all too much. Is it only too much when expectations aren't met? When someone fails you? Is it ok to have just about any expectation as long as it's verbalized? Or is any expectation you have of someone other than yourself just a big set-up for disappointment? I used to think it was ok to expect a lot from people because I never expected anything of someone that I didn't also expect from myself. Is that selfish? Self-centered? Naive? Just plain wrong?

I once read something about the difference between having expectations and being expectant. I think I even tried to blog about it but couldn't quite get my head around it. At the time, I wondered if this wasn't the answer to all my problems. The sure fire way to weed disappointment from my life. If you never have expectations from people or situations, those people and situations can't fail you. Can't hurt you.

Why does even the idea of that just sound so cold and lonely?