Been spending a significant amount of time lately waiting for something to go wrong. And filling additional time hoping/praying that it doesn't. I'm exhausted.
It's amazing to me that I can live my life knowing without a doubt in my head that I deserve to be happy. And then not trust in that happiness. I deserve someone to love. I deserve to be loved. But when I suspect that maybe - just maybe - that person may have finally arrived, I keep waiting for it to get messed up. I spend so much time analyzing - over analyzing - every little thing. Looking for clues that we're not on the same page. Looking for clues that this isn't going to last.
He's better than me. He is. He is just hands down a better, smarter, more interesting person than I am. And it intimidates the hell out of me. It plays hell on my nerves. I've never had any real problems with self-esteem. When faced with someone who might not get how freaking cool I am, I've always questioned their intelligence or sanity. Seriously. Never questioning myself or considering that I may not be as amazing as I think I am. I mean, it's mostly a joke. My overly healthy appreciation of self. But I also really do honestly like myself. But being with this guy? I keep asking myself what he sees in me. Not because of anything he says or does. He says all the right things. Does all the right things. He's pretty near perfect. Damn him. What does he see in me?!?!?
I long ago realized that people have to look to really see me. I'm not someone that you notice across a room. My charms are cumulative and it takes time to really know the whole Amy. But I've always told myself that someday someone would just get it. They wouldn't see cute Amy. They would think I was beautiful. They wouldn't see the Amy that most frequently gets labelled as nice and fun. They would see my heart. They would see the part of me that takes care of those she loves and then want desperately to take care of me. Knowing that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself but wanting to be that to/for me anyway. This is what I've always wanted, what I've been waiting for.
This guy could be that guy. If he is, he deserves more of me than I'm currently giving him. But what if he's not that guy? What if I give more and I'm wrong about this? About all of this. What if what I want and have been waiting for doesn't really exist? Or maybe it just doesn't exist for me? I've never been in love. And thus have never suffered a true broken heart. I've been disappointed. I've been hurt. But this? This is so on a completely different level. Or at least it has the potential to be.
I feel sick to my stomach.
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3 comments:
I see why you waited to post this one for so long.
I know that you're not quite in the same state now as you were when you first wrote this, and I'm glad. I also know that you still have moments of doubt born out of your inherent need to think about everything and sort out exactly what it means. I would tell you to quit doing that, but it's one of the many facets of your personality that makes you a friend that people want to keep for a lifetime.
Who are you, Amy? You're a person who has had the great fortune of finding a path that may lead to something bordering on the miraculous. It's a path that you deserve to walk on, and one that I think (and pray) will be as free of those pitfalls of life as possible.
Um...is it feasible to just ask this dude what precisely it is that he sees in you? Then you would know.
For that matter, I have no freakin' clue what Bond sees in me. My inner cougar-pumpkin or something. But whatever it is it seems to be good enough, and I can roll with that.
working on the roll with it philosophy, katie. working on it.
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