how do you like them apples?

This year instead of making a bunch of new year resolutions that overwhelm me to the point that I ultimately decide they are actually detrimental to my health, I've decided to add one good habit and take away one bad each month. They will be small things that are more easily accomplished. But, by the end of the year I'll be one ridiculously healthy Amy!

As a trial, I started early at the beginning of this month. I have stopped drinking pop (take away one bad habit) and started flossing my teeth each and every day (and add a good one!). I've been doing really, really well. No slip-ups so far! Still find myself reaching for a Coke Zero every once and a while but never actually succumb. And sometimes I have to get back out of bed at night because I forgot to floss when I brushed my teeth before going to sleep. But I always do it!

I think for January I'm going to take away multi-ingredient snacking (leaving only fruits, nuts, veggies, etc as an option) and add in daily sit ups/crunches. And of course this will be in addition to my December habits. Might actually get a bit of a jump start on those starting tomorrow. Already too late on the snacking thing today. Hey, give me a break. I'm on call:)

hole in one

I've got a kind of "where I've been and where I'm going" blog running through my head that I hope to be able to get down sometime before the new year. Until then, thought I'd share a few pics from the weekend. We did Bar Golf for my friend Carolyn's 30th birthday. Gotta say, I'm pretty impressed with myself:)

mele kalikimaka

am blogging sustenance: allegro mocha java coffee
am blogging soundtrack: random Christmas mix

I cannot believe that it's Friday. Where has my week off gone?

Monday was a loss most of the day until Tara dragged me out of the house for a pedicure. I was just in kind of a funk, you know? Fairly late in the evening I did get motivated and finished some Christmas projects for my nieces. Stayed up way past my bedtime . . .

Tuesday begin significantly earlier than was expected or desired. Was awakened by a phone (distress) call from one of my partners begging for coverage at work. I went in but grumbled my way through the day. Got done at a decent time however and finished up some holiday chores. Had an early dinner with Clayton before we headed out for our final kickball game of the season. Was planning on a quick (and cold!) game, possibly a drink out with the team, then home for bed. Turns out we won that game. And the next. Somehow, we found ourselves in the championship game! Ended up with a hard earned second place status that deserved an appropriate celebration. Those jager shots seemed like such a good idea at the time . . .

Wednesday morning I was hungover. Not surprisingly. It would have been a fantastic day to simply laze the hours away in bed. Unfortunately I was packed full of obligations. Had a meeting at work that would have given me a headache even if the jager hadn't. Then ran into traffic up to Flower Mound that just rammed that headache on home. Some cousin time, mildly greasy tex mex, and then later an opportunity to cuddle with Clayton on his couch rounded out my day. I was so tired that I almost fell asleep watching Fast & Furious on blu-ray . . .

Thursday started of with a much needed Annie facial. Quickly followed by a trip to Clayton's parent's house for some good baby time with his nieces. I got to spend the whole afternoon and evening with them - such sweet girls. But. I don't think it would be traitorous to mention that when sleep finally came last night, it came really hard . . .

So here I am, struggling with the fact that my week is gone. So many things I'd hoped to accomplish. So many more hours I'd hoped to spend in my bed. Tomorrow is C's 30th birthday party and I have SO much I need to do to get ready for it. I have lots of little projects half-finished for Christmas. My apartment is a disaster. The inspection on my Jeep is overdue. My muscles - all my muscles - still hurt from the kickball marathon earlier in the week. Want nothing more than to stay in my pajamas and work my way through a pot of coffee while reading some fluffy novel. Oh well, *big sigh*. Maybe my next week off . . .

j is for . . .

r is for . . .

all I want for Christmas. . .

How ridiculously cute is this?!?

in season . . .

kangaruby

Busy, busy days. But life is good. Kinda ridiculously good, actually. I am a very blessed Amy:)

m is for . . .

eternal return and burning leaves

This is one super extreme roller coaster.

AmBrosius

Another amazing dinner with friends yesterday. The topics of conversation ranged from "what happens to the size of your foot as you age, have babies, etc . . . ?" to the Spanish siesta influence on the people of the Dominican Republic. Good times, great conversation, and truly inspired food. Perfect. Made even more so by the man I love and his ability to embrace any social situation. Even an accidental girl's night:)

gathering apples

This morning I spent nearly an hour trying to perfect a champagne vinaigrette to accompany a salad I'm making for dinner tomorrow night. Several weeks ago, Clayton and I tried a new Italian restaurant in his neck of the woods. The salad special for the evening was this beautiful tomato, mozzarella, and crouton deliciousness served on a big, fat pile of basal. When selling us on this starter, our waiter described the dressing as a champagne vinaigrette. I can't recreate it! My version is definitely tasty but not what I was aiming for. My homemade croutons are perfect. I found the prettiest assortment of yellow and red, grape and cherry tomatoes. And you really can't go wrong with little balls of mozzarella. But this damn dressing has alluded me!!!!! Maybe my final product will out-perform the original inspiration. But, gotta admit. I'm a little bit of a doubter. Stay tuned . . .

In other food news, trying out a new chocolate icing recipe to go with the cake I'm taking for the same soiree. Look at me - little Miss Suzie-Homemaker 2009!

Further sustenance talk: anybody out there ever try home roasting their own coffee beans?

what a year for a new year

am blogging soundtrack: Christmas music (because it makes me happy and I need happy)
am blogging sustenance: Coke Zero (a caffeine placeholder until I make it to Starbucks)

I've had a very introspective morning thus far. My brain would not shut off last night and sleep came very, very slowly. When it did, it was filled with cryptic and vaguely uncomfortable dreams. I'm not going to even attempt interpretation for 2 reasons. First, I suck at it. Second, I know they were simply a reflection of my mind set last night when I crawled into bed.

Been thinking a lot lately about how one gets their sense of self. I feel like it's a combination of outside influences or opinion and how comfortable one is in their own skin. Think that's accurate?

Not too long ago, someone who's opinion I care about told me I wasn't fun anymore. The circumstances surrounding this declaration are complicated and involved and I don't think ultimately that vital to this discussion. I know there was emotion behind this statement and I also know that there was a hope that by telling me this I would change a certain behavior. Knowing these things didn't really take the sting out of the words. But I tried to keep it all in perspective and move on.

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend some brief, but quality, time with wonderful friends who definitely fall into the family category. We had a long awaited happy hour reunion that spanned nearly an entire day and resulted in a very pleasant intoxication;) Some of these woman I see on a regular basis and one I haven't seen in 6 months. It didn't matter. Time melted away. We got to that weepy place we sometimes get to when we've been drinking where you're almost overwhelmed with the love you have for your friends. We talked about how fabulous each of us are and how lucky we are to have one another as friends. Very, very warm and fuzzy:)

It seems that over the past week I've had a variety of interactions with mostly random individuals whose opinion of me has been of similar extremes. I've been paid on-the-fly compliments on a new pair of boots as I was walking down the hallway. A patient that I interacted with for 30 minutes on a cross-cover call verbalized to her orthopedic surgeon that she didn't care for me. Another patient that I cared for more than 6 months ago caught me in the ER one evening and was so pleased to see me that she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

All of this effects how I feel about myself on a day-to-day basis. I certainly try to attach the appropriate amount of importance on each interaction. Sometimes it's hard. That orthopedic consult from last week on float? She's loony and I honestly didn't enjoy one second of our conversation. However, it still bothered me today when the message about how she felt about me was passed on through the grapevine. And it shouldn't matter that a stranger appreciates my sense of fashion. But you know it made me smile:)

I know myself. I know I'm interesting. I know I'm cute with a fun sense of style. I know I'm a genuinely nice person who takes excellent care of her patients. I know all of this. And, yet. I wish single individuals weren't capable of poking holes in my confidence. Of turning a good day bad. On the other hand, I love that the kindness of a person I've never met before and likely won't see again can make my day. That the appreciation of a valued friend for just being me warms my heart and makes me wanna be even better. Makes me want to be more.

I think I just came full circle without actually figuring anything out.

I hate that.

sweet plantains

I had dinner tonight with three really great women. They are each of them beautiful, intelligent, warm, and ridiculous amounts of fun. And I love, love, LOVE the time I get to spend with them. I almost always after seeing them have the fleeting thought "I want to be exactly like them when I grow up!"

I just last week celebrated my 32ND birthday. That grown up thing? I wonder when that's gonna happen.

from Jacelynn . . .

birthday day 2

I had a really, really great birthday. I decided to make the day my own this year. I didn't rely on any outside sources - took complete responsibility. Started off with a pre-birthday weekend in MO. Needed a little twin time:) And did the whole Clayton-meets-the-parents thing while I was at it! On the actual day, booked myself the works at my favorite spa and it was so worth the price. Told Clayton that all I wanted for my birthday was a fabulous dinner out with him and he more than came through:) Ended a lazy post-birthday day with him by hanging out with a few of my favorite girls for mani/pedis and margaritas. The perfect way to celebrate the big 3 - 2! An added bonus: Brian (my mani-pedicurest) insisted that I was born into luck. The 7-7 birth year coupled with my "snake" status mean good things are coming my way. He was a little more specific (made me blush!) but we'll see what happens:)

bwahahahaha, excellent.

Clayton leaves his mark on Missouri . . .

eye of the tiger

getting pumped up for Komen and a little Cowboys tailgating bonus:)

Susan G Komen

race for the cure 2009

me

all our fellow racers!

Laura, Karen, and Clayton

can't beat a little girl time . . .

Autumn, Laura, me, and Polly Liz

at least this is deletable

I just don't understand people. I don't understand their thought processes. Their motivations. Truly. I've rarely been more confused by the people around me than I am right this minute. And it's very isolating. Makes me feel lost and very unsure. I hate this feeling. Hate it. But never quite sure how to get rid of it. I almost always feel better when I'm able to talk through stuff. When I get the opportunity to express my feelings or to clarify someone elses. But I don't think everyone else feels that way. Or, at least, that's been my unfortunate experience. Just not sure where to go from here. Trying to work things out in my head a little more before I let loose. I don't want to speak up for the wrong reasons. Ya know?

the proof's in the pudding

Made a spice cake with cinnamon cream cheese icing today. Did the whole amped-up cake mix thing and then made the icing from scratch with my much beloved new Kitchen Aid mixer. I don't have a cake carrier anymore (Sarah Jo!), so not exactly sure how I'm going to transport it to Clayton's parent's house here in a few minutes. I put it on Grandma Haller's Bridal Rose platter and it just looks so sweet and pretty. Fairly confident that it won't be nearly as presentable after my trek up north and there's nobody here to admire it's perfection with me. So I took pictures! Go ahead. Ooh. Awe. Be appropriately impressed:)

maybe not so much

pm blogging soundtrack: Pearl Jam's Backspacer
pm blogging sustenance: Mike and Ikes

Well. That was weird. Awkward. Annoying. Enlightening?

Huh. Know what sounds good? A nap.

"not at the table, carlos!"

Top 10 stuff 'bout Vegas
1. Our amy's-apt-sized room at The Palazzo. Nice.
2. The corn salad at Cut. Uh, yeah. Amazing.
3. Realizing that Dom Perignon isn't worth the prize. Without having to actually pay the price.
4. Partying like a rockstar at Tao.
5. "Free" peanut butter toast.
6. Winning moola on the slots at TI. A lot of moola.
7. The best 65 cents ever spent.
8. "It's like a license to print money!"
9. Some really, really kick-ass people.
10. Clayton:)

*please note that this list was mostly chrono based and definitely not in order of importance*

you're my pic

You know you really love someone when you watch a movie like Role Models and don't regret actually watching the movie. Only that you didn't watch it with them.

vegas, baby!

This week at work has been slow. Or maybe I've just been really, really fast. Regardless, I've been finding myself bored at 10 am each morning with nothing to do. So I've been doing quite a bit of daydreaming and my favorite subject of late has been Vegas . . .

Clayton and I are heading to Sin City tomorrow afternoon for the weekend. We're joining Tara, Grady, Em, and Chris and it should be a great time. Have plans for some incredible food consumption. A little gambling. Maybe a show. Trying to not over plan and just go with the flow.

You know the tagline what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas? Well, not this time! Details of the weekend to follow:)

happy birthday autumn

It's been almost a year since we took this picture together at your very first Cowboys game! You had just turned 30 and were so not excited about it. But I promised you that it would get better. Remember? I don't think you believed me:) And maybe it did take a little longer than even I would have liked, but it ended up being one hell of a year. We've had a great 4 years of friendship A. And this past year in particular, having you as a friend has enriched my life in so many ways. Thanks for being the normal I need. I can't wait to see what else the world has in store for us:)

caution: mushy love stuff ahead

Several years ago on Thanksgiving night I watched the newest cinematic version of Pride and Prejudice. I've always been affected by the romance of the story and found this version to live up to my expectations of more of the same. There is a scene near the end of the movie when the early morning sun is shining down across a field and we see Elizabeth and Mr Darcy meet. Remember? The musical score and cinematography manipulated the hell out of my emotions. I know this. But still I was incredibly moved by the beauty of the moment. I had chest pain. Seriously. Not kidding. Actual, honest-to-goodness chest pain. It was like a pressure, a sensation of being filled up to capacity with something. Something that I thought, never having actually experienced it, might feel a little like love.

Fast forward a few years.

Is it completely obvious that I am hopelessly and ridiculously in love? If this blog isn't your only interaction with me then it probably is. Just when I think I couldn't possibly feel any more for him, I do. Earlier today I was walking through my apartment and thought randomly about him and what he might be doing at that exact moment. I've been working nights and haven't been getting my amy-clayton time. I was filled almost to overflowing with love just thinking about and missing him. And then it hit me. Chest pain. Actual, honest-to-goodness chest pain. And guess what. Not a single bit of movie magic manipulation in sight . . . :)

Florida 2009

a belated group shot share. look at all those pretty girls! :)

those cowboys and their sad, sad songs

This morning I was sitting in Cafe Brazil drinking a cup of Organic Colombian Estate and waiting for my oatmeal to arrive when over the restaurant speakers the following song:

Every rose has it's thorn,
just like every night has it's dawn . . .

I was immediately taken back to the beginning of my freshman year of high school and a mixer in our cafeteria. A junior or senior, possibly named Jeremy although that part's a little fuzzy, had just asked me to dance. To this song. I have a very distinct inner-monologue memory: this is me, grown up.

As I now sit here typing, I am aware of the many directions I could go. I could delve into the difference between being expectant and having expectations. My original intent when I opened Blogger this morning and certainly a concept I could apply to the above. Or I could walk a little further down memory lane. Reliving old joys and disappointments. Part of me wants desperately to indulge in thoughts of the future: Where am I going? What's my next step? In that imagined snapshot of my life to come, who's standing next to me with a matching cheesy smile?

Maybe what I really need to do is stay in the moment. This exact one. I so rarely do that. I spend such precious little time in the present. Always seeming to look ahead. Or spending significant time looking back. Perhaps I'll set that as a challenge. I'll live today, today. And try not to let future plans or past memories factor into the decisions I make as I move through the only Thursday September 3, 2009 that I'm ever gonna get.

I'll let you know how I do:)

a small share

After blogging yesterday I spent an enjoyable morning just lazing around and reading. After arrival at work, my day went downhill in a hurry. I don't really want to get into the details just now. Don't want to drag myself down into that funk again. Because I'm currently funkless. And I'm funkless for a variety of reasons. Won't detail the entire list here. But, here's one of them.

http://www.forgottenbookmarks.com/

I love this! I do this! I've blogged about this!

an anti-climactic return

Well. I've been really horrible at the whole blogging thing lately. Just haven't had a lot to say I guess. And haven't really had much sit-down-quiet-time either. But today I start a float week at work which translates into sleeping in, making pots of coffee, and scoring some serious amy time.

After my shift ends Friday at 8 pm Clayton and I are heading down to Austin to meet up with some of his friends. We're driving down with Dr Guy (And, no. I did not bestow this particular nickname on him. His name is Guy and he happens to be a doctor. I would have come up with something much more creative. Or at least something more ridiculous.) and I'm getting pretty excited. We're planning on "floating the river" Saturday. This is something that has been mentioned to me as a Texas must-do ever since I first moved down here six (!) years ago. It took me a little while to figure out that it's nothing like the Haller Family float trips of old. First, no canoes. People actually laughed at me when I mentioned something about paddling. Second, no early morning put-in. Third, no deer sausage and cheese breaks. No food at all actually. And the differences continue into near infinity. As far as I can tell, the only similarities seem to be copious amounts of beer and shockingly cold water. I'll let you know how I fare:)

After the weekend, I have almost a week off before doing a trio of nights. Then more time off. Not sure yet what I'll do with my time. Just got the schedule so didn't know to plan anything. Maybe I'll look for random last minute travel deals and head off somewhere exotic by myself. All my days off will be during the week so hard to involve anyone else . . .

Ah. Just remembered why I haven't been blogging. No attention span anymore. Gotta work on that. Later.

uh, yeah

I don't know why I'm frustrated exactly. Or maybe I do but I know it's not really reasonable to feel this way. Or maybe it's completely reasonable but I know it sounds just a little ridiculous so have elected not to verbalize anything.

Yet.

Yep. That sounds about right.

from the sunshine state

A little over 24 hours into the HGAT 2009 and I've already got a fairly ridiculous sunburn, a mild concussive injury, and some ill-defined hip flexor pain. It's gonna be a great week:)

solitaire

am blogging soundtrack: Wilco (the album)
am blogging sustenance: latte number 3

Back on nights and not loving it. Tonight has been steady with admissions and cross-cover issues. No where near overwhelming. Lots of critical care time (so making some money) which normally I'm a fan of. Not too much crazy social stuff. Also usually a good call indicator. But I'm just not feeling it. Not at all. I cannot even begin to explain how much I would rather be at home in my bed.

Had a kind of ridiculous work weekend. Usually we have 4-5 rounders to cover the weekend. As opposed to the 6-7 people we have seeing patients during the week. We typically have a smaller total number of patients that need to be seen over the weekend because we don't see all our consults. But we usually see more patients per rounder secondary to the fewer people covering the weekend. I was the Friday call person and usually this is a set up for a (relatively) nice weekend. Saturday and Sunday calls can be brutal. Had a decent Saturday. Was expecting a pretty quick Sunday. Not so much. Please, if you will, see below.

0545: out of bed to shower, not a happy girl

0620: called by Sunday call person who reported profuse nausea/vomiting
0635: arrived in office to find said call person prostrate on the floor
0645: tucked call person into call room bed with strict instructions not to get up
0658: started to receive cross cover on call person's phone that I had placed on my person
0725: called on phone by unnamed surgical resident with the subsequent conversation:

usr: You know your partner with the blond hair who's supposed to be on call?
me: Yes.
usr: She just puked all over the floor in 4WICU. They're taking her to the ER.
me: Crap.
usr: Yeah. She wants you to call her husband and some guy named Bob.
me: Huh.

0735: confirmed above story by locating call person in room B16 in the BUMC ED
0739: called call person's husband as instructed, did not call Bob
0740: called T, had a little mutual freak out over the phone regarding plan of attack
0745: over the freak out, still not a happy girl

0746 to 1815: hauled serious ass all over the hospital, lost 1.3 pounds

1902: had first beer of the evening with A at neighborhood pub, happy

Horrible work day, amazing play night:)

But, seriously? T and I were total rock stars Sunday. There is absolutely no way that I could've gotten through that day without her. I just love me some Tara Goodwin:)

Still not loving nights.

organ-ic

Saved a kidney today.
I love my job:)

what-a-burger

I woke up in a funk on Friday morning. Probably a combination of some truly weird and disturbing dreams along with the feeling I always get towards the end of a vacation. I considered a variety of potential funk busters and decided to make a call. A really important call as it turns out. Because this would be the first of a series of excellent decisions on my part that would ultimately result in a near perfect weekend.

I called Autumn and we made plans to meet up for manicures and pedicures. Always a good direction to go in when attempting to bust a funk. Post-pampering we made the fateful decision to forgo lunch and instead plop ourselves down at a pub for the rest of the afternoon. We had excellent conversation, great beer, and kinda creepy waitstaff interactions. Listen, I know my toes were looking particularly cute after the deluxe grooming I had just treated them to. But that does not give random waiters the right to touch my feet. Right?!? Still listening crazies?And you should ABSOLUTELY not follow-up that inappropriate behavior by then slipping my drinking buddy your phone number! Luckily A and I both follow the philosophy that what doesn't kill you makes for a really great story. And we got some definite distance off of that one:)

Later that night I made the trek half-way to Oklahoma to meet up with Clayton and a friend of his who was back in the area visiting family. Aaron has been seeing the country these past few months as a truck driver and, as always, I very much enjoyed the opportunity to see yet another side of Clayton through his interactions with his friends. Autumn joined me for this adventure as well and the four of us are pretty sure we've come up with the next great reality show. I won't give away any of the details now. Wouldn't want anyone else to benefit from our brilliance!

Called it a relatively early night so I could squeeze in some quality Clayton time before he left for a Colorado mission trip early Saturday morning. (He's only been gone for 30 hours and I already miss him like crazy!) But it was a fantastic start to the weekend and I was definitely devoid of any residual funk.

Saturday morning was lazily spent and it was probably at this point more than any other during the weekend that I was truly at a crossroads. Make one choice and head in one direction. Make another and hello opposite direction! The decision: Angry Dog, yes? Or Angry Dog, no? Guess which one I chose:) Autumn and I soldiered through the best burgers in Dallas like a couple of champs and set the tone for the rest of the day.

After lunch, nap or movie? Movie. My Sister's Keeper or The Hangover? The Hangover. Rest up for Girl's Night or keep our momentum going? You should always, always go with momentum. I think it's like a law of nature or something:) We went to the Monk for an early dinner (I know, I know! We were shocked to be hungry again too!) and the requisite malt beverages. And then we let the rest of our girls come to us.

Once the girl's night crew was completely assembled, we hit up House of Blues for drinking and dancing. It was 80's night and we did what we came to do. We drank. We danced. We did both with style and enthusiasm. We partook in some girl bonding time and then made our ways home. Autumn and I found ourselves once again feeling hungry and so scavenged my kitchen for leftovers before settling in on my couches with Grandma quilts and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Woke up at 4 in the morning with a monster crick in my neck before turning off the TV and heading to bed.

Woke up this morning to the sound of Autumn searching out ibuprofen and ice water. We decided to throw our hair in quick ponytails, secure Starbucks, and go to the Farmer's Market. An excellent Sunday morning plan! But somewhere after coffee and before arrival downtown, we let thoughts of eggs, hash browns, and biscuits propel us in a different direction. We found ourselves at Norma's here in the Cliff and once again decided that we had made the perfect choice. We were joined by my Flower Mound family and left with very, very happy bellies.

It was a beautiful weekend, nearly perfect. And it's not even over yet:)

"If I fail, at least I will have failed my way."

am blogging soundtrack: Beyonce, dangerously in love (yes, really)
am blogging sustenance: my third cup of coffee (I know, shocking)

It's now day 7 of 10 in my June freedom interlude. Already dreading my return to work next Monday. Wondering if it would be totally inappropriate to plan another sabbatical . . . :)

Last night I went swing dancing. The Sons of Herman Hall have an hour long dance lesson every Wednesday night followed by open dancing. During the lesson portion they make you line up and rotate partners every view minutes while they teach you some basic steps. Then at the end they always throw in something new and a little more complicated. My various partners ranged from a spry gentleman in his late 60s to a little red headed boy of about 10. Red expressed extreme frustration in my hesitancy at the new and foreign steps. It was kind of humiliating in a very entertaining way. You know how you feel when you're slowly making your way down your first blue slope of the ski season and you're passed by a blur of a 3 year old? Sort of similar:) All my other "leaders" were very courteous and either helpful or apologetic depending on their skill level. One nice young man named Yuri shyly told me I looked like Jodie Foster. Yeah. Good times! After the lesson concluded I got spun around the room by my very sweet Clayton. Really, really good times:)

Earlier this week I went rock climbing with the fam. Sam and Max have been getting into it as their summer project. So Clayton and I tagged along when Julie took them a few days ago. I hated the harness and the climbing shoes (will those EVER feel even half way comfortable?) but I loved the feeling of working your way to the top. Loved the sense of adventure and the muscle burn that indicated you'd accomplished something. Didn't even mind falling - three times! - off a more advanced inclined wall that I was falsely assured I could "handle." Really flew on that last fall!

Also had a long awaited painting lesson from Julie and Sam. They definitely comprise the more artistic side of the family but I think I held my own. Or at least they were sweet enough to be encouraging:) Made some beautiful shades of blue in my color study "assignment" and am very much looking forward to finishing it up.

I dug out and attempted to play my baritone ukulele this morning. Have issued myself a challenge to learn and perfect at least one song. If my first practice session is anything to go by, this one's going to take some time:)

This week has been about temporarily ditching my doctor's hat and trying a few others on for size. Turns out that - like cute shoes - you can never have too many:)


If a woman rebels against high heeled shoes, she should take care to do it in a very smart hat.
~George Bernard Shaw

autumn's done!

this is happiness

Pretty sure people are starting to hate us.

love in the time of kickball

am blogging soundtrack: Better Than Ezra's Paper Empire
am blogging sustenance: a big ol' bottle of water and, yes, several ibuprofen

Busy, busy days. Ready for another reverse chrono update?

Last night I went to the Fort Worth Zoo for Beastro 2009. Laura and Gigi came with. It's basically a tasting experience - lots of area restaurants - with music and alcohol. Good, yeah? Better because it was all-inclusive with admission and the musical guest was Better Than Ezra! Had a great time with the girls and am already planning a return trip next year. Pics just up on facebook!

Got the really sad news from my mom on Thursday night that my cat had died. We rescued Yoda from the big bad world exactly 14 years ago. Summer vacation had just started between my junior and senior years of high school. I think it might actually have been my first sleep in day. Except there was no sleeping in. Some ridiculous noise just outside my bedroom window was driving me crazy. I thought it was a bird. But when investigated, there was Yoda. So named because she had the biggest ears on her tiny little body:) For two nights in a row I got zero sleep. She wouldn't sleep anywhere except on my neck. Seriously! Any idea how uncomfortable that is? And as she got bigger she never really got out of that habit:) My sweet Yoda. Wish you could come back and sleep on my neck . . .

Get ready for this next piece of information. I mean it. Prepare yourself.

THE GO GO GADGET BALLS WON THEIR FIRST KICKBALL GAME THIS WEEK! There was quite the celebrating. Believe me:)

Work has been sort of weird lately. The last couple of days have been super easy. I've been getting done seeing all my patients by like 10 or 11 in the morning and then running around trying to scavenge up more work. The week before was kinda brutal. So variable. And then there's been the drama. Have a meeting tomorrow - yes, on a Sunday afternoon! - that will either make everything better or everything much, much worse. Will save the details for after.

May have found a Tipp substitute. Stress on the may. It's still way too early to know for sure but in the meantime we can have fun figuring it out!

Then there's Clayton. And one really happy Amy . . . :)

the force was strong in that one

if you're a bird i'm a bird

Today I sent home a patient that I had admitted on my Saturday call this past weekend. Later this week she and her husband will celebrate their wedding anniversary. At age 14 she wrote his 17 year old self a letter for every day he was off fighting in World War II. Three years later they were married. Fast forward 62 (!) years and he never once left her side while I took care of her in the hospital. Not once.

almost famous

tell it to me

am blogging sustenance: eggs, with extras
am blogging soundtrack: Old Crow Medicine Show

Been doing the internal struggle thing quite a bit lately. Actually have a very honest, spill my guts blog from several days ago that I ultimately decided not to publish. I've never done that before. Never censored myself like that. But this was a little too inner workings of me to share. At least for now. Might slip it in down the road sometime:)

So, I'm an analyzer. I examine every little interaction, every little nuance of conversation. This can be very helpful when utilized to help a friend. And it can be damn right trying when utilized in my own life. I just can't turn it off. I'm trying. Dear God, I'm trying. I want to just let go and enjoy. To take everything at face value and see what happens. Beginning to suspect I'm not built that way. Easy going in so many ways. This? Not one of 'em.

hey, hey. don't hate.

goodnight sweetheart

I first went to the Tipperary Inn about a year after I moved to Dallas. We had some residency thing for the new interns at Garrison's house and then Brad, Nikki, and I hit the Tipp afterwards for a few drinks. I remember thinking it seemed like a cool place and then promptly forgot where it was. I used to do that a lot back then - I thought Dallas was so big city:)

My next visit was probably a year plus later. Shelley, Gigi,and I met up with some of the anesthesia boys there. Remember Gigi? Or maybe not. I seem to recall that a ridiculous amount of Irish Car Bombs were consumed . . . mostly by you:)

Saw Sam and his band play there a couple of times over the next year or so. Still thinking this place is cool. But not making the leap to this is mine.

When was it exactly that I made the transition? Was it when I was doing the my-life-sucks-thing at Mansfield? I have super distinct memories of Ian and Gigi taking me there one Monday night in full out cheer-amy-up-or-get-drunk-trying mode. Incidentally, successful at both. I have video:)

Sometime after that the Tipp became a part of me. The place you go where everybody knows your name. Or at least they know your drink! Have met so many incredible people there. Have had so many incredible times there.

The Tipp is closing it's doors tomorrow night. Said my goodbyes earlier this week but still having a hard time letting it all sink in. It feels kind of like losing a friend. And I've never been very good at that.

As my final send off, a montage of all the good times. Slainte.

infinitely late at night

What do you think it means that I haven't given this one a nickname?

there's never a magic 8 ball when you really need one.

Been spending a significant amount of time lately waiting for something to go wrong. And filling additional time hoping/praying that it doesn't. I'm exhausted.

It's amazing to me that I can live my life knowing without a doubt in my head that I deserve to be happy. And then not trust in that happiness. I deserve someone to love. I deserve to be loved. But when I suspect that maybe - just maybe - that person may have finally arrived, I keep waiting for it to get messed up. I spend so much time analyzing - over analyzing - every little thing. Looking for clues that we're not on the same page. Looking for clues that this isn't going to last.

He's better than me. He is. He is just hands down a better, smarter, more interesting person than I am. And it intimidates the hell out of me. It plays hell on my nerves. I've never had any real problems with self-esteem. When faced with someone who might not get how freaking cool I am, I've always questioned their intelligence or sanity. Seriously. Never questioning myself or considering that I may not be as amazing as I think I am. I mean, it's mostly a joke. My overly healthy appreciation of self. But I also really do honestly like myself. But being with this guy? I keep asking myself what he sees in me. Not because of anything he says or does. He says all the right things. Does all the right things. He's pretty near perfect. Damn him. What does he see in me?!?!?

I long ago realized that people have to look to really see me. I'm not someone that you notice across a room. My charms are cumulative and it takes time to really know the whole Amy. But I've always told myself that someday someone would just get it. They wouldn't see cute Amy. They would think I was beautiful. They wouldn't see the Amy that most frequently gets labelled as nice and fun. They would see my heart. They would see the part of me that takes care of those she loves and then want desperately to take care of me. Knowing that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself but wanting to be that to/for me anyway. This is what I've always wanted, what I've been waiting for.

This guy could be that guy. If he is, he deserves more of me than I'm currently giving him. But what if he's not that guy? What if I give more and I'm wrong about this? About all of this. What if what I want and have been waiting for doesn't really exist? Or maybe it just doesn't exist for me? I've never been in love. And thus have never suffered a true broken heart. I've been disappointed. I've been hurt. But this? This is so on a completely different level. Or at least it has the potential to be.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Urban Dare Dallas 2009

Ever since my Butterfly Boogie a month or so ago, I've been inundated with emails encouraging me to be more active by running this race for this charity or that race for that charity. Hadn't really felt the push so just went on my merry little non-running way. But then I got a notification about Urban Dare - think a one day amazing race kind of thing - and I thought well, why the hell not?

Recruited Autumn to be my partner and we've been in training ever since. Our training has mainly consisted of playing a few random bar games, learning the ins and outs of googlemaps on our blackberries, and participating in a few trivia nights. Oh, we did actually go for a few (very few) runs/walks. But basically we've spent the last few weeks rationalizing every thing we've done by claiming it as a training experience. Pretty brilliant in a lazy slacker kind of way:)

Our daring day began at 1100 am at the Gingerman in Uptown. Gotta love a racing adventure that starts (and ends!) at a bar. We donned our matching t-shirts, represented the Show Me State (A's an honorary resident) with our choice in hats, and gave ourselves some tough temporary tattoos. Oh, yeah. And we had a beer. Seemed like a good idea at the time . . . :)





I'm not sure we really knew what we had gotten ourselves into until we received our clue sheets and the race was on. Even though the teams were all made up of just 2 people, we belatedly realized that most people were teaming up into much larger groups. The advantage being that they were able to decipher the clues much quicker and then hit the road. A sample of the kind of thing we were figuring out: As a writer, Erato is my muse. Go to the park where she and her sisters are represented by stones for your 3-legged dare. Thank God for crackberries. And for friends with high speed Internet:)

After we had finished getting through the clues we then had to plot out our route that took us all over Dallas. Time was important as was limiting a lot of backtracking. Wanted to conserve energy as much as possible. The rules stated that you could walk, run, or take public transportation but Autumn and I have no first-hand knowledge or experience with DART. And we didn't think we could bring ourselves up to speed in enough time for it to be helpful. So basically we had to rely on our own horsepower. Learned 2 things: Autumn is kind of a navigation/plotting rockstar and I have the smallest bladder in the world. I had to sprint back to the Ginger to relieve said bladder while Autumn finished up planning our route:)




We hauled ass all over Uptown, Downtown, the West End/Arts District, and Deep Ellum. We saw places - really cool places - we didn't even know existed in Dallas. We ran, we sweat, we were cheered on by random strangers. We participated in some pretty ridiculous challenges . . .


We finished up our last challenge and got our passport stamped just seconds before the down pour that had been threatening all day came to volition. Luckily we are the two most prepared people I know and we had the most perfect rain gear. Ok, actually? Not at all appropriate or helpful. But, I think everyone will agree, pretty stinkin' cute:)

We considered ourselves having successfully completed Urban Dare '09 at that point and cabbed it back to the Gingerman. We arrived drenched and exhausted but with the sweet buzz of satisfaction - soon to be replaced with the sweet buzz of more beer:) We may not have come in first place. Or second or third or fourth. But we didn't come in last. And we were the only team to be greeted by such ultra supportive friends/fans . . .

Thanks Gigi and Clayton for all the technical help and for your mad poster making skills - you guys are the best:)

So, yeah. We kinda kicked Urban Dare Dallas's ass. As promised. And we're more than ready for the rematch.

Sunday morning

Jacelynn, age 5: Did our blue team win last night, Aunt Amy?
me: Yes, they did!
Jacelynn, still age 5: Well I guess I'll just have to keep wearing my Dallas shirt, huh?
me: Definitely:)

Mom, age 59: I saw mushrooms in my sleep last night!
Dad, also age 59: Ok.

Myla, age 2: Grandpa, do you want to see my pretty panties? Grammy, do you want to see my pretty panties? Aunt Amy, do you want to see my pretty panties? JACEY! Look at my pretty panties!

there's no i in team

It's a rainy Saturday morning here in Missouri. Ok for several reasons. First, woke to the sound and smell of sizzling bacon. Bacon of course accompanied by old favorites coffee and eggs! Second, the rain is the perfect excuse to spend significant amounts of time in my pajamas today:)

Met up with two old friends from high school last night. I got to see Will and Jennifer (and their little cutie Anderson) at Christmas this past year but didn't get to have a lot of dedicated talk time. So last night at my sister's house we got all caught up and had a really, really good time. So good, in fact, that seemingly all of a sudden it was 1 o'clock in the morning. And I just don't stay up that late anymore! *I know I've said that frequently as of late. Which may actually mean that staying awake into the wee hours of the morning is sort of common place. But I swear, usually an early to bed kinda girl!*

Carrie then tried to lure me to Zumba this morning at 730. I politely declined:)

Saw in the paper that my Royals destroyed the Rangers last night! I adopted the Cowboys several years ago after moving to Texas, while at the same time never giving up on the Chiefs. And have always felt completely comfortable latching on to the Mavs and the Stars since KC doesn't have NBA or NHL teams of their own. But never could get excited about the Rangers. Add in my persistent (and some say naive) love for the boys at the K and I was pretty excited by that bit of news this morning:)

The Mavs start their playoff run against San Antonio tonight. Brought my JHO jersey with me for the occasion. Also trying to create additional good vibes by dressing my nieces in some Dallas gear . . . they're so cute I thought it was worth a try! Pictures to follow:)

Spent a quiet afternoon (after an unsuccessful mushroom hunting attempt) in my parent's hammock yesterday. Picked up a book for the first time (crazy, right?) since I've been home. But didn't grab any of the multiple new titles available to me. Nope. What did I choose? Timothy Zahn's Heir to the Empire. I'm such a dork:)

evil apples

I hate my iPod. I hate iTunes. I'm pretty much hating on anything with a stupid little lower case i in front of it.

don't ride that horse

Several weeks ago I entered a patient's room after being updated on her status by a few residents. I introduced myself and the patient immediately responded with "oh, you're Dr. Haller." Not exactly what I was expecting or exactly what I wanted to hear. The mind can't help but leap to something negative - just what had this woman heard about me? But she almost immediately followed up with an explanation that she worked for my group's answering service. She said she'd heard my name so many times (and had actually spoken to me a few times) that it was nice to put a face to a name. Relief. Short lived, as it turned out. This very sweet woman (who incidentally had been through quite a bit already during this hospitalization) then asked me if they (the service) did a good job. Uhhhh. Yeah? (no, no, NO!) What was I supposed to say? She was ill, stuck in a hospital bed for something like 5 weeks after the gastric ulcer from hell that ultimately required a gastrectomy. What could I do? I did the only thing I felt comfortable with. I lied.

Fast forward to this morning when that same answering service paged me on my phone, not once but twice, at 659. Fast forward to this morning when I was asleep in my bed, not only not on call but also not yet off vacation. Fast forward to this morning when I was well and truly pissed.

Ask me again nice sick lady. Ask me again.

yokwe!

So, didn't have the best birthday this past year. Kinda sucked actually. The days leading up to the 28th seemed so promising - rediscovering my love for Donnie W in NOLA with Nat, having little sister Sarah come to Dallas for a quick visit that included her not only making me dinner one night but also buying me Angry Dog for lunch the next day. Good stuff, yeah? But then it all went down hill. And obviously it hit me pretty hard as it is now almost 6 months later and I'm still putting in some dwell time.

Decided a while back that I was definitely getting out of Texas for the next one. Had contemplated coming back to MO and spending it with K. We had such a ball on our "golden" 28th on the 28th:) Also considered going off somewhere completely by myself - recharging in a fun and distant locale. Had pretty much settled on heading to wherever Natalie found herself for grad school - figured Hawaii or DC was kinda a win-win situation!

Talked to Nat last night and found out that she's headed back to the Marshall Islands this fall. At first I was beat down with disappointment. I'd started to count on a buggie birthday. Didn't think that a week off was enough to make it to the Marshalls and back. Enter Natalie and her amazing way of making anything, everything, possible!

196 days from now I'll be celebrating my next birthday on an uninhabited island in the Pacific. She's promised lots of Australian beer and hinted at the promise of lots of Australian boys:) And while those two things sound great, the welcoming in of yet another year with my very best friend sounds just about perfect.

you want french fries with that?

Haven't really been sleeping too well since I made it home. Not sure if it's the childhood bed or just still off from working nights last week. Was EXHAUSTED at 10 last night so went to bed. Didn't get up until 830. But woke up about a million times in between! And I'm dreaming a lot. Some really bad work dreams that just wear me out and 1 really terrifying dream where someone tried to steal Myla away from me. Also lots of others that are pretty fuzzy. End result being that I am just not getting the quality beauty sleep that I so desperately need!

Been spending some time thinking about the different pieces of me. You know what I mean? There are so many layers. So many things that, on the surface, may seem contradictory. Wondering if I've ever really showed all those pieces to any one individual. Or, do I sometimes only let certain aspects show to certain people? Do I censor myself? Do I sort of, I don't know, read the crowd? Do I let my inner nerd shine through in some situations and then lock her away in others? Do I at times hide away the hopeless romantic in me? Would it be hard for someone to come up with a fairly comprehensive list of things I feel passionate about? Would it be hard for me????

I so, so hate to be pigeonholed. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate it when people assume things about me based on precious little information or interaction. Hate when they make the jump that because I feel a) about a situation then I must also feel b). It's just always seemed lazy to me, you know? But maybe it's because I'm withholding. Maybe I'm cheating a little. Maybe I'm not letting loose with all the pertinents. Maybe I don't really want anyone to see the whole picture?

Remember the wall conversation several months back? Remember how bothered I was by that observation? Had come up with the conclusion that being cautious and careful with new relationships wasn't equivalent to holding back. Am I wrong?

Wait. This is stupid. I'm not wrong. Making rash conclusions based on too little information is lazy. And choosing who you let into the inner workings of you is smart, not shady. See? This is what happens to me when I wake up at 3 am and can't immediately fall back to sleep. This is what a loss of REM does to me. If people really want to know who I am or what I'm about they just have to dig a little. It's not a secret. It's just not broadcast as a ticky tape display above my head.

Good things come to those who dig. Like buried treasure. And potatoes. I love potatoes. :)

vacation destination: the 'burg

I'm back home in Missouri and life is good.

Slept for almost 10 hours last night and woke to find that my mom had not only made me coffee before she left for work but she'd also layed out my favorite sections from the Kansas City Star. Love it, love it all. Love coffee, love my mom, love the KC Star:)

Since my last visit home, Mom has upgraded from dial-up (moaned about at length in previous blogs from home) to mobile broadband. And while still not as fast as my DSL, it is infinitely better than before. Also allows me to blog at the kitchen table. Good for many reasons. The kitchen is still my favorite room at Casa Haller - I have a lot of really great spring memories in this room. And the kitchen table has a very welcome proximity to the kitchen coffee pot. Plus the kitchen window overlooks the backyard and beyond. I just saw either a very small deer (think Bambi) or a very large dog (think Brandi) across the fence. Either way, I'm good:)

Have already gotten in some quality niece time with more promised for the upcoming week. You would not believe how amazingly cute these little girls are. Every time I see them, cuter and cuter. The youngest - Ripley - looks so much like my sister that it breaks my heart a little. And Jacelynn and Myla are so much Hallers when they smile that I just want to pack them up in my suitcase and take them back to Texas with me!

Dad and I have been sorta passing each other in the living room since I've been home. He's been getting his weekend golfing in and I've been taking quite a few naps. But guessing that we've got a good chance of some amy/pops bonding time later today. It's a rainy Monday and looks like it will be a perfect afternoon to camp out at the kitchen table with a deck of cards and a couple of beers when he gets home from work.

Went to KC to see 2 of my favorite peops from med school on Saturday night. And Carrie came along! Caught one set of Flannigans Right Hook with Leticia and KK before moving on to meet up with Nate and a few others. So good to see everybody! And Carrie and I haven't gone out together is such a long time - I so loved havin' a little twin time:)

Sideline: Autumn. It's not us you know. It's Dallas. Sit the 2 of us down in a Kansas City bar and we'd do just fine. There is some kind of weird voodoo going on down in Texas. Just wanted to let you know that we are every bit as amazing as we think we are:)

Have some more friend visits lined up for later in the week. And, of course, lots more family time. But overall, planning on taking it easy. Very, very easy. This is the perfect place to slow down a little. Recharge. I have some books to read. A few Royals' games to watch. Quite a bit of mom food to eat:)

I like vacation. I like vacation a lot.

"the dishes are done, man"

And so are my taxes - cutting it much closer than usual this year!

Can I say? Wow. I should take 8 months off every year.

soul

Is it just me, or does it get harder to figure out your own emotions/feelings/motivations as you get older? Or, has it always been this hard but when you're young you don't know enough about anything to really know that you don't know? Ya know?

Yeah. Me neither.

Moving on.

The last few weeks have been happy.

Work has alternated between really crazy busy and mind numbingly slow. And I've enjoyed both equally. Seriously. I actually kind of like the days where I head home so tired after seeing a marathon list of patients that the thought of making myself a peanut butter sandwich seems an overkill of ambition. And I've recently began to look forward to the days I can take a guiltless 45 minute coffee break/gossip session in the middle of my morning. Pretty sure these extremes used to bother me. But now? Not so much.

Discovered, much to my amazement, that I don't hate running as much as I always thought I did. Still have the endurance of a . . . well, I don't know what specifically. But I know it's bad:) Thinking - thinking only! - about letting myself get talked into doing it on a semi-regular basis.

Have been cultivating new friendships, reconnecting long-lost friendships, and changing the scope of some current friendships. And I think it's good. Really good.

Heading home for Easter this weekend and am so ready for a little Haller family time. Those nieces of mine have this frustrating tendency to grow when I'm not there to see it!

Dressed up like a super hero last weekend for a birthday bash. Know what? I kinda like me in a cape:)

signs

Yesterday was just as busy as advertised. Overall, a very good and fun-filled day. Correction: a very good, fun-filled, and LONG day. Didn't make it to bed until 5am and I never do that anymore! Sleep is just way too much fun:) There was a moment of doubt when trying to locate a specific location on SMU's campus. Time was an issue and wandering around until I happened upon the right place wasn't really an ideal solution. That's when I spotted this:

The world is a funny, funny place.

"what? what's that you say? you say today is saturday?"

am blogging soundtrack: the howling wind outside my kitchen window
am blogging sustenance: hopefully coffee soon . . . please?
am blogging subject: the day ahead

I am cold. So cold. And I'm about to get colder. Got my 5K Butterfly Boogie starting here in a couple of hours and am wondering how many layers I can put on and still ambulate. This thing seemed like such a good idea about a month ago when we were easing into spring with some pretty spectacular weather. Frankly, now sounding kinda crappy post arrival of cold front last night. Anything for a good cause, right? Maybe that could be my mantra this morning. Oh, who am I kidding? My morning mantra will be what my morning mantra always is: coffee, coffee, coffee.

A nap will definitely be in order immediately after. Or maybe eggs? Yes, eggs will be in order immediately after. Accompanied by coffee. Followed by nap.

And then? It's basketball time!!!! So excited to see my Tigers in the Elite Eight:) Had several conversations with randoms at work yesterday about how "wouldn't it be great if the Big 12 took over the Final Four?" I'd smile and nod my head, indicating agreement. Trying to stay loyal to the conference. But you know what? I'm just not beat up about KU falling last night. And I just don't want OU to take down North Carolina tomorrow. Because I just don't like them. I don't. There! I said it! I'm free! I actually feel sort of lukewarm hatred for KU and OU at baseline these days that escalates into something very, very ugly during football season. So, I'm not perfect. I can live with that. Go MIZZOU!

Immediately following our victory (please, please, please) I'm expected at some benefit thing at SMU. I'm not at all sure what exactly I'm getting into. But I trust you, Sharmilla. Sharmilla? I can trust you, right? Shar?

Next stop, Flannigan's Right Hook at the Tipp with my kickball peops. Rockin' Irish band from KC and my teammates who embrace the philosophy "We may never win a game, but we've never lost a party!" Definitely a set up for a good time:)

Hmm. Pretty busy day I've got lined up for myself.

Maybe I should get dressed.

Yeah, good plan. I think I made the people at Starbucks a little uncomfortable last time when I showed up in my pajamas:)

figures

After a little over 6 months on the job, I finally got my name plastered on the wall in the parking garage.

The problem?

This is not my parking spot.

back to the basics

Been a busy, busy couple of weeks. Work. Play. Not a lot of time to document. But I had this last weekend off and got back to cooking so wanted to share:

Hit the Big D Farmer's Market again with Autumn. Spring has definitely arrived in North Texas! Found some really beautiful fruit - for a bargain! - and decided we had to make a killer fruit salad. Paired it with an equally killer potato salad and had Autumn work her magic on a couple of chicken breasts and some fresh herbs (sage and rosemary). Intermixed the above with my infamous and oh-so-fresh bruschetta and a few pitchers of homemade mojitos. Then we took it outside for a little picnic at Stone(r) Park. A perfect late March Saturday afternoon ...