a toast

I think I may be done with boys for a while. Seriously. I'm just so tired. Understanding continues to elude me and it simply does not seem worth it anymore.

I've spent the majority of my adult life being super content as a single woman. It's only been over the past year that the desire to be in a relationship keeps creeping up on me. And because of that desire I've opened myself up more to relationship potentials. In my youth . . . pause for a smile:) In my youth I was very, very picky. Probably too picky. I never really gave anybody a chance.

I've worked hard as of late to curb that initial impulse that I always get when meeting somebody new. That HE'S-NOT-THE-ONE impulse. It comes from deep, deep inside me. In a voice so strong and self-assured that I'm always a little surprised that it's mine. I've tried to ignore that voice. Asking myself, How could you possibly know that? And I've tried to reason with that voice. There's no harm in giving him a shot. But dammit if that cocky and stubborn voice just isn't always right!

It would be, I'm sure, an entirely different ballgame if I was having fun wading through all the Mr Wrongs in my search for Mr Right.

I'm not having fun.

Most likely, my new need over the past year for a relationship was a direct result of my very unhealthy work situation. It was almost as though I needed someone (anyone?) to make me happy. I had always previously been in charge of my own happiness but that control, that confidence, slipped last year.

God. I really hate writing that. I really hate admitting that.

But then something really freaking fantastic happened. I quit. It probably took all of January for me to really stop being unhappy. And then it took the majority of February for me to remember to be happy. We're now nearing the end of March and it is here that I'm finally hitting my stride.

I'm happy. I really am. Because of a million small moments and some really great people. But mostly? Because of me. Because I am so back in control. Back exactly where I wanna be. And you know what? I like that stubborn, cocky voice in my head. I think she's cool. And I know I can trust her, trust her with something really precious. I can trust her with my renewed happiness.

So, a toast. Here's to having fun. Here's to letting the boys play their boy games without me. Here's to listening to my crazy-picky inner me. And, most importantly, here's to being happy:)